When it's cold, there's this voice inside my head that says "you're now 12 years older than they will ever be", the connotations being "it's terrible when a life ends so soon" and "you have had a lot more time, but what do you have to show for it?"
I get that every single night and have since I was... I don't know, 15? Like, that constant awareness of your own mortality, and how do you reconcile that if you're not sure whether or not you believe in an afterlife, and he implications if you don't? It was really bad when I was fifteen -- started that winter and it was a long, colorless winter. And then it peaked again -- hard -- when I was 21/22, and the only way to get that little /midnight voice/ to shut up was to just... not sleep. Or stay up so late that I couldn't think at all, and would just pass straight out when I tried to go to sleep. So six months of only getting four hours of sleep a night.
My emotions have been all over the place today. I already went through the 5 stages of grief, and upgraded to the deluxe 12-stage package. Just would be nice if I knew what I was grieving about. I mean, yes, approximately 6 relatives I never met died since November, all of whom were really old and died of natural causes, but it's not really much for me to grieve over.
My Sense of Time is Fucked, too. I was going to give context, but for some reason I'm not sure if it's a good idea, at least right now, as on top of the emotional flux, I'm also dirt tired and totally not thinking straight...
Strong emotions with no discernible cause is... annoying as hell.
I hope getting better sleep helps you out :( NOT getting enough sleep definitely makes this worse though. For me at least, besides making me kind of loopy, it gives me stupid dreams that I can't remember but have a bad tendency to trigger strong emotions for seemingly no reason! Only I can't remember the dreams enough to be like, "Wait, no, that was a dream, it didn't actually happen!*"
(fwiw, my mind's making dumb connections and for some reason, on a subconscious level, "Alan Rickman died" has turned into "Harrison Ford died." So uh, speaking of stupid no-reason emotions I start feeling whenever I encounter idk an Indiana Jones gif set...).
Life's given me a raw deal, it's given him a raw deal, her a raw deal... it's not just you who was cut some kind of raw deal, and you don't see any of us using our raw deals as carte blanche to be negative nellies or turning our misery into some kind of pissing contest.
This is why I... get mad at myself sometimes. I can't make problems un-happen and I can't change -- especially retroactively -- societal trends that have screwed me over. But I can fix my own problems stemming from these, and blaming the world at large for spilled milk** isn't productive.
Only I've not been very good at fixing my problems, ergo I get mad at myself for this :SSS
-why do thermostats have to be so twiddly, finicky, and unintuitive to use? You would think that now, in 2016, thermostats would be user-friendly. It still feels like "push a few buttons and pray you don't swelter or freeze."
Thermostat in my office /doesn't work/ and there's like this two foot column of really cold air hovering around where I sit and it's giving me musclespasms/handlock and the guy that sits next to me thinks he's going insane because nobody else in the office can feel it besides us.
Speaking of office, work's been dull this week so here's some thoughts that I came up with while not doing anything useful!
1. Coworkers wearing khakis that are way too tight. It's like mooseknuckle city up in this bitch ffs.
2. Walked home from work cause it was reasonably nice out and I wanted to pick up some CDs from Magnolia Thunderpussy (I like physical copies! They remind me of what I was doing and my mental state when I got them! Shush!). Stopped by the convention center, because Ohayocon and some Commercial Arboriculture convention were going on, and I'm like, sweet, arboriculture! Maybe I can get some free samples! NOPE. Entire conventional hall is overrun by a bunch of people in fursuits I was born a decade too soon to understand.
3. Back in 2004, when my grandfather was in the hospital/died, the other thing I really clung to besides Tales of Symphonia was Bowie's music. I remember the last weekend before he went into the hospital, I went to Easton with my parents and grandparents for father's day and got a copy of Diamond Dogs from from the Barnes & Nobles there and fell in love with it (still my second favorite Bowie album after Low). Got Outside when we were up there a few weeks later to see Prisoner of Azkaban (Alan Rickman connection. Woo :T).
I remember listening to Outside on my discman in the waiting room at the OSU hospital after my grandfather got worse and was transferred up there. There's this line from The Motel -- "The death of the odorless man" -- that... I immediately associated with... the way hospitals smell. I never really lost that association and it made Outside kind of hard for me to listen to because it brought back a lot of memories so...
He was at the OSU hospital for most of the rest of that summer. My parents went up there a lot, although I'd stay home about half those times because they needed someone to watch the dogs. When I was up there visiting (he was in a medically-induced coma, so it wasn't really visiting per se. I guess it was... more visiting grandmother, but unlike with my grandfather, who I liked a lot, I was never on... good terms with her, so), I'd go over to this little... shopping center called Lennox Center with my mom (who was on even worse terms with my [note: paternal] grandmother!) to kill time. There was a Barnes and Nobles there which is where I got Low and Lodger. (For the sake of completion, Lennox Center's where I went last weekend to pick up a copy of Blackstar).
Listened to them both on the drives back and forth between Columbus and Lima. Lodger's the one I associate with staying up late and playing Tales of Symphonia. Low...
My immediate memory of Low is riding back to Lima in the early evening listening to Warszawa and Subterraneans and watching the sunset. I think... my cousin was driving (we were both 16 at the time but, you know, adult and actually learned to drive). So all the stress of being on the road constantly, not knowing whether or not he was going to get better (he didn't), watching all the other human tragedy playing out for other people from the vantage point of the waiting room, etc. The feeling of always being in a hot car with the... hot car smell? Feeling lost and on the precipice of something changing that I wasn't wrapping my head around? Summer, as a whole? That's what Low felt like to me.
I got Hunky Dory in August, after my grandfather'd been transferred back to Lima (I think this was like a week after one of my cats died, too). This was August and I wasn't actively in 4-H at the time, but we were still going to the Allen County Fair a lot. Hunky Dory to me is... the way the fair smelled. The late-summer feeling right before school started. Elephant ears. (Maybe to a lesser extent it reminds me... of the way the special cat food we were using when the cat was going into congestive heart failure to try to get her to eat. Or, not, not the cat food -- the air freshener thing we were using to cover up the smell of the cat food. idk why, but the leasing office at my appartment and the student support services office at BGSU where I was working out of for a year smell the /exact/ same way). (And I remember listening to Hunky Dory around the time my dogs started dying back in 2012, too -- I used to do dog shows through 4-H, which is why I always spent so much time at the fair in the first place, so there was that connection? And the lyrics to The Bewlay Brothers reminding me how my oldest dog tripped on some steps and smashed himself against the porch, and I thought /that/ was the end and still didn't know we'd have another couple months with him from that point).
4. Sometimes I feel like every decision is tantamount to death; that every action is a Rubicon. And it's... what I'm about to do might fail, might backfire, might be a huge fuckup. Might be something I'll have to live with. But I've got some penne and almond milk in my fridge, and imma make some kugel up in this bitch.
5. Re point 4: Straight vanilla extract don't taste nice.
6. Okay the kugel is not going well fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck how long do I need to brew noodles why is the almond milk brown now
* Except for previously noted example.
** Can "spilt milt" be a thing?