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Author Topic: A short poem - 15 lines  (Read 6359 times)
Degolas
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« on: September 09, 2006, 02:12:47 PM »

It's been a while I wrote a poem I'm happy with, especially since I've been concentrating on fiction a lot more lately. Please, I'd really appreciate any kind of criticism, hopefully constructive though!

Placebo Sun

Moth dust beaten, soft ashes between fingertips,
held blackly against inked aerials on a blushing canvas.
Hot air balloons, plump chaotic teardrops ebb
beneath distant hills to meet the sun’s demise.

A butterfly, wings speckled by a lunar eclipse
lands deftly on the net curtains before window close,
laments for the moths that heave against the glass
in search of the warm sting of a placebo sun.

Summer-blue, she lay with me that mild night,
blew gently toward that proud unerring butterfly.
Jean to jean, she straddled a man at half-light,
and asked, ‘tell me a story about us.’

By David Owen


Thanks for reading!
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Vanguard
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« Reply #1 on: November 18, 2006, 06:08:15 PM »

It's not bad, I really like the second verse a lot. I think it's a bit too structured though. I love free verse poetry and I find it flows better when you lay with the structure a little. Try braking up some of those verses and see what happens.
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Degolas
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« Reply #2 on: November 19, 2006, 05:53:00 PM »

Wow, I'd totally forgotten about this! To be honest, I really dislike this poem now. It's too abstract and meaningless, I wrote it in a strange mood. I plan to lift the few bits I like and use them elsewhere, and forget that this ever existed :P

Thanks for a reading though, I appreciate it! I agree, a more free verse nature would suit it far better.
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Check out my YouTube videos!: http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=Degolas
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