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Author Topic: The Adventures of EPDA (or how to play Final Fantasy I like a colossal dumbass)  (Read 16377 times)
Ashton
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« Reply #60 on: August 06, 2012, 12:49:06 AM »




Agent D and Gilgamesh should trade notes sometime.


The party goes to the next town where people speak Lufenian exclusively. They reveal that it was they who created the hideously deformed cyborgs.


Being a town of nothing but males (that have existed for four hundred years), the arrival of Dice makes them throw themselves at her feet. She bats her eye at one of the males to make him fork over some shiny trinket, then promptly friendzones him.


One of the Lufenians stand in the way of the party, refusing to let them leave, and chats up Dice. He seems to be awestruck by this being called a 'girl,' so much so that his speech eventually starts failing and he starts babbling stuff like "Stay here with us, you should. Treat you well, I will. Save itself, the world can."


The Lufenians direct the party to a tower in the middle of the Desert of Death (tm). Why are these things always in the middle of deserts? Dangerous ones? Why can't they be located next to a strip club or something.


Day 1, 12 PM: Agent D: "Is it just me or have I seen those crests like twenty times already?"
Day 1, 12:01 PM: Agent D considers cannibalism as his only choice of survival. He thinks of eating Eusis and Dice, then making Parn into jerky. He pounces on Eusis but literally minutes of walking have taken their toll on him and Eusis wrestles him to the ground.


Day 3, 7 PM: Dice whines about sand getting into really uncomfortable places, and also into all the potions, ethers, and hi potions. Eusis asks how she knows this, then beholds the dozens of empty bottles Parn is still carrying around for some reason.


Day 25, ??? PM: The party runs into the mountains. Eusis decides that giving the map to Dice and having her be in charge of navigation was a serious, possibly life-threatening, mistake.


Day 77, ??? PM: Oh look, we hit another line of mountains. How surprising.


Day 244, ??? AM: Dice wouldn't have a worse sense of direction if you blindfolded her and hit her over the head with a melon baller.

Day 245, ??? PM: THe party makes it to the tower. They are malnourished, severely dehydrated, and Agent D appears to have gnawed his own arm off, but they are alive. Parn considers that maybe switching careers from being a successful politician in Corneria may have been a mistake.


The robots welcome Eusis oddly warmly. This one, durectly after welcoming Eusis, instructs Eusis to "assume the position." Eusis can feel judgmental eyes burning a hole in his head.


The party finds lots of treasures in this here tower, and Dice squeals with delight.


Dice demands the Thor's Hammer. She quickly demands they set up camp. During the night, Dice can be overheard saying "Oh Captain America, you naughty boy, I will have to punish you, by the will of Odin!" Giggling for ten minutes follows, then a giant thunderclap. She's got some serious problems. Unfortunately in one of these sessions she accidentally loses her grip on the hammer and ends up pummeling Agent D in the eye.


THe party finds a weird marking on the ground. THey are teleported to the Sky Fortress. Eusis hates teleporters, and vomits upon arrival.



Parn discovers that his defense actually goes down when he equips his cap. He proceeds to remove ALL his equipment and starts streaking around the Sky Fortress. What he doesn't know is that only hats lower his defense.


The party's kleptomania is so bad they have to steal random ass rocks from centuries-old dungeons. Of course, now it's less stealing and more of a weird kind of hoarding.


Agent D is fascinated and bids the robot tell him more.


Agent D uses this instrument of incredible power to peep in women's showers and locker rooms. He's pretty creepy. I can really sympathize with him there, though...


This bodes ill.


At last, the hallway to Tiamat! Parn is reminded of rumors of a powerful monster here.

Agent D: "Relax, we'd have a better chance of being struck by lightning 42 times, I'm sure we won't fight--"



"--SHIT BITCH FUCK DAMN DIRTY SANCHEZ"

Parn: "If our luck was a person, it'd be one powerful ugly creature."


Hahahaha we are so fucked, nobody can do any damage over the single digits unless they're lucky enough to score a critical.


Did I mention that it heals 100 HP every turn? Because it does.


This is like watching a car crash in slow motion.





I see the Warmech has subscribes in the Eusis School of Total Overkill.


The party comes up against Tiamat, a dragon with six heads. You know who else had six heads? Hitler.



This is like some really stupid recurring gag now.



Agent D attempts to use his kill spell. Of course, it doesn't work. Agent D wonders if there's a return policy or insurance on Black Magic spells, cause none of his work right.



Agent D vanquishes the mighty dragon with his mighty dagger. Actually everyone else did the work but let him have his day.


Agent D: "Our weapons are efficiency!"
Dice: "Sobriety!"
Eusis: "Mental stability!"
Parn: "Your mouths are a womb of deception and lies."


Parn wonders if they're in a shitty JRPG.


When they see questionable stuff seeping from a wall, their first instinct is to stick their faces in it.


It's time for the final battle! Or something. They hold up their crystals and fly into the past. Or future. Whatever. TIME KOMPRESSION.
« Last Edit: August 06, 2012, 12:52:34 AM by Ashton » Logged

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« Reply #61 on: August 06, 2012, 01:40:19 AM »

I'm starting to think Parn is the final boss...

All that hoarding, those bottles, the fairie...removing his equipment for power boosts.
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Aeolus
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« Reply #62 on: August 06, 2012, 03:04:08 AM »

I'm starting to think Parn is the final boss...

All that hoarding, those bottles, the fairie...removing his equipment for power boosts.

At least the question of what to put into a bottle has been solved. Fucking EEEEEVVVVEEEERRYYYYTHIIIIIIINNNGGGGG!!!!!




WELCOME TO DIE!!!!
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Dice
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« Reply #63 on: August 12, 2012, 12:56:31 AM »

My shard was green... like, you guessed it, HEEERRBBB> :D
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« Reply #64 on: August 12, 2012, 09:59:37 AM »

My shard was green... like, you guessed it, HEEERRBBB> :D

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Aeolus
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« Reply #65 on: August 12, 2012, 12:38:36 PM »



They're one shard away from summoning Captain Planet.

(Also one Planeteer but who gives a fuck about what's-his-face and his dumb monkey.)
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« Reply #66 on: August 19, 2012, 11:23:21 AM »

This needs an ending ashton...where is teh finale?
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« Reply #67 on: August 19, 2012, 12:44:38 PM »

 Everyone died, the end.
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Aeolus
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« Reply #68 on: August 19, 2012, 01:06:31 PM »

Everyone died, the end.



"We must go now! For our planet needs us!"

Code:
(They died on the way there.)
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Yoda
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« Reply #69 on: August 20, 2012, 09:42:22 AM »

My shard was green... like, you guessed it, HEEERRBBB> :D



love it.
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Alisha
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« Reply #70 on: September 12, 2012, 05:02:51 AM »

just read this entire thread. i am happy and amused
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“Normal is not something to aspire to, it's something to get away from.”
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