Author Topic: The Adventures of EPDA (or how to play Final Fantasy I like a colossal dumbass)  (Read 27057 times)

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I'm playing Final Fantasy I now, and playing normally is weak sauce. Instead I will play as stupidly as I can, for shits and giggles, inspired by Let's Plays I've read. How long I keep this up depends entirely on how long I find this entertaining and if someone gets offended. But for now, let's me our TRUE HEROES AND SAVIOR:

Eusis, the shining knight. Parn, who likes to punch stuff. Dice, the clumsy white mage. Agent D, the squishy Black Mage who thinks he's a warrior.

The party immediately makes a beeline towards Garland, who is in the process of date raping Princess Sarah. Those roofies he got are sure effective.

Faced by his awesome might (and they fact that they are all at half HP, they attempt to flee.

Dice accidentally and clumsily walks into Garland's sword.

Eusis gets his ass handed to him.

Parn attempts to attack with his staff and gets knocked down for his trouble.

Agent D goes mano-a-mano with Garland and comes up lacking.

Faced with the reality of the situation, Agent D wets himself and attempts to flee. The aftermath is not pretty and screenshot has been withheld due to objectionable material.

Time for the second try! All of the characters arrive at Garland's domain with full HP, with the exception of Dice, who tried to pet a wolf and got mauled.

Agent D trades his knife for a staff. His damage output should shoot through the fucking roof.

Well, there are some pretty low roofs out there.

Dice decides that the best time to cure the bite/claw wounds from the wolf are in the middle of battle. Eusis asks why she didn't do this  before entering the castle. Dice responds with a nonsensical mumbling about jellybeans.

And she's still doing more damage than Agent D.

Dice feels sorry for him, and casts protect in between chugging down potions. I think she has a drug problem.

Agent D, tired of being the butt monkey, finally uses his magic. Fortunately the conductivity of Garland's armor multiplies the damage by a lot.

Parn defeats Garland with a low blow, thereby proving that armor is ineffectual when you don't cover the sensitive areas with it.

Saving the princess nets the party a reward of a lute. It takes Eusis all of his willpower not to throw the lute in the princess' face.
« Last Edit: July 28, 2012, 02:14:24 AM by Ashton »


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Re: The NEW Game Journal
« Reply #1 on: July 27, 2012, 03:42:22 PM »

That's great. XD I love Dice's totally accurate portrayal. Agent D. too, a black mage who thinks he is a warrior suits him perfectly. :P


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Re: The NEW Game Journal
« Reply #2 on: July 27, 2012, 04:33:53 PM »
Ashton.  I love you. xD  Love.

Do I really jabber nonsensically about jellybean-esque topics of debate??? D:

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Re: The NEW Game Journal
« Reply #3 on: July 27, 2012, 08:15:40 PM »
@Ashton - man, that was awesome. Also, on a semi related note, it reminded me of the first time I beat Garland...because I at the time, I seriously thought I beat the entire game. And I felt like a champion. (and like a champion, proceeded to turn the game off without saving. Luckily on the next go around, I learned how to equip stuff, so it didn't take me 10 hours).

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Re: The NEW Game Journal
« Reply #4 on: July 27, 2012, 08:33:39 PM »
Do more of this, Ash!

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Re: The NEW Game Journal
« Reply #5 on: July 27, 2012, 09:19:24 PM »
Ashton, totally hilarious! We need a whole topic of these, lol
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Re: The NEW Game Journal
« Reply #6 on: July 27, 2012, 11:47:44 PM »
On the way to Pravoka, the party gets hopped up on acid due to some poison mushrooms Dice puts in their stew. Parn meets some rabid horses who he thinks needs killing. The party backs him up.


Eusis thinks more training is in order.

However, he only goes after Goblins.

He squeals with delight every time an imp dies.


Parn decides it's time to take revenge against the horses.

In unrelated news, Pravoka's newspaper has listed a vicious assault and battery against four celebrities by unknown assailants. The pictures of the victims are as follows:

Anyway, on to the next part!

The party accosts a legitimate businessman and his cohorts, who all happen to have injured the same eye in a skiing accident. The businessman and his friends reluctantly defends themselves against this vicious and unprovoked attack.

Agent D. casts Temper on himself, raising his attack power, because fuck if he's going to let Eusis and Parn AND DICE upstage him.

Agent D. revels in his victory. Parn asks why he doesn't just use magic. Agent D whines about Parn joining Black Mage school with him then ditching to be a Monk midway through. Parn has a good laugh, because his average damage output is still higher.

Do you see what is happening here? Extortion.

The party rides their stolen gift ship to the open seas.

Eusis's bloodthirst cannot be sated. He stops at Cornelia to murder more Goblins.

The party is attacked on the sea. Fortunately Agent D. is able to remember second grade science class and the effects of electricity in water. This, however, doesn't stop him from jabbing the eyes with his weapon.


The party meets a king in an abandoned castle who demands them bring him his crown.

Unfortunately, it's guarded by my friends (and Zoidberg).




FUCK. Back to grinding.

At Eusis' request, the party kills more Goblins. They do this for days.

Oh good. Another melee basd spell and Agent D. is still casting it only on himself.

You really need to stop.

Parn chides the king/Astos for being a Yu Gi Oh villain.



FUCK. Time to regroup.

Okay, yes. We got our asses killed three times but Agent D still thinks that spellcasting is for pussies and still tries to be a warrior.

Unfortunately, Dice has also discovered that, wonder of wonders, Antidotes are sweet. She is excited about this revelation.

So excited that for the whole battle she's doing nothing but drinking antidotes and not casting completely useless spells like CURA or HEAL.

The eye is covered in something sticky. Nevertheless Dice makes a necklace out of it, because it makes her feel pretty.

Dice has a serious drug problem here guys.

Against DIce's complaints, the party trades the eye for a jolt tonic. She doesn't even get a taste of the tonic either, before the party gives it to the elf prince.

"You won't possibly use this irresponsibly, great heroes!"

Too bad the entire party suffers from kleptomania. When they receive the nitro powder, Eusis utters an audible cackle.

They use it to flood a dwarf settlement. Onward to adventure!

This place looks like a refugee camp lost a fight against a landfill.
« Last Edit: July 27, 2012, 11:52:03 PM by Ashton »


Re: The NEW Game Journal
« Reply #7 on: July 28, 2012, 12:33:32 AM »
I am very amused.


Re: The NEW Game Journal
« Reply #8 on: July 28, 2012, 01:54:45 AM »
my god i'm a sociopath


Re: The NEW Game Journal
« Reply #9 on: July 28, 2012, 01:58:21 AM »
There's a fine line between hero and sociopath, Eusis.


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Re: The NEW Game Journal
« Reply #10 on: July 28, 2012, 02:01:15 AM »
I want the next one to have Parn, Alisha, Thoren, and Tenchinoryu


Gave it some thought and split it. Could get lost in NGJ otherwise.


Eusis thought this would be better suited as its own topic. As such, it's now The Adventures of EPDA (pending a better name for this mismatched foursome).


Ash, this is awesome.

Agent D.

How the FUCK does Dice outdamage me?

Fuck magic...