In the cave, the team finds a robot who is suffering for an eternity. Its large yellow eyes long for the sweet release of death. Every moment it still lives is an eternity of torment. It begs for them to end its pain.
Instead, they go through its storage compartment for treasure, then steal all the treasure it was guarding. To add insult to injury, Agent D relieves himself on it.
In here the party finds a ribbon. Even though it is an ordinary ribbon, Dice equips it instead of the gear that might actually protect her head.
Dice likes the ribbon so much, as soon as she finds more, she equips THEM ALL. There is a ribbon on her head, on both her wrists, and she is wearing ribbon on her body. Think on that. Dice feels pretty in pink. But deep down, she knows what her mother always said was true. She will never be pretty, and no man will ever love her.
In a fit of tears, she demands the party go to a caravan in the desert to fuel her never-ending quest to find ... something.
The team finds a con artist peddling a faerie. Parn is fascinated by faeries. It comes in a bottle. Eusis spends most of his time during the traversal between the caravan and the next town tormenting the creature, screaming "HEY LISTEN" to it when it least suspects.
When they reach town, Agent D wonders what eating the faerie will do. He accidentally lets it out.
To be fair, I heard Eusis say something along the lines of "Those are some pretty little wings you've got there. It would be a shame if something happened to them," and then not demand anything, making it less extortion and more a violent threat that lingers forever.
Is that like oxygen? So air? The fearie gave the team air for letting it go? Eusis, you are the worst negotiator ever.
Agent D finds a new MIGHTY DAGGER.
Because all good plans begin with the words, "Get in the barrel."
Parn: "There is no end result where I won't regret this."
In the sea is a magical wonderland where the mermaids swim around buck-naked, their mermaid titties hanging out for all to see. Agent D thinks he has gone to heaven, and tries the pickup line that has never worked for any guy, ever: "Want to see my third leg?" That's awful, Agent D. Shockingly, this works, because mermaids, counter to what Disney movies would have us believe, are stupid as hell and think striped pants are fashionable. Agent D breaks into song and dance.
"OH UNDER THE SEA
UNDER THE SEAAAA
I'M GONNA FONDLE
MORE TITS THAN THAT OL'
ASHTON HAS SEEEEEEEN!"
He just kind of goes on like that for a while.
Parn attempts to get the mermaid to look at his magic wands. That's not a euphemism. He's trying to offload the wands that Agent D won't touch. No merchant will take them, so he's hoping the mermaids will be too stupid to know that he's hawking useless shit.
Eusis' eyes just sort of glaze over when he discovers that the town of mermaids has no weapon shop and thus he has no upgrades.
Dice is trying to figure out if the mermaids' assets are better than hers.
Eusis, furious that there are no equipment shops, takes the mermaids for all they're worth.
Awesome. Bitches love guys who can speak Lufenian.
Parn realizes that one of the wands he failed to sell can heal the party. Tired of constantly relying on painkillers, he starts using it.
Agent D's still not faring any better.
We have come full circle. The mages are using physical attacks or getting high. The physical fighters are casting spells. Well done. You guys are the epitome of efficiency.
Despite never casting any spells (except TEMPER and HASTE and only ever on himself) Agent D gravitates towards the spell named "Death."
Oh God. Kraken's gonna rape us, isn't he?
SABER IS NO LONGER THE EXCLUSIVE DOMAIN OF THE BLACK WIZARDS ANYMORE MY FRIEND.
Shockingly, the party defeats Kraken in one try, and all it took was Agent D dying (again).
Tired of restoring the land, the party goes to kill a random ass monster. Eusis and Parn are coming into their own, damage-wise.
Agent D fails to keep up even when using something he should be good at. He sucks at sucking. A new low.
Not satisfied, Agent D buys more spells. Of course he ignores everything else when he sees the word "Kill" and immediately buys the spell. He tries it and it doesn't work. It never works. IT WILL NEVER WORK.
Eusis decides more training is in order. You know what that means.
"IT'S THE DESTROYER! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"
816 damage against a monster with 8 HP. The term "overkill" is not a part of Eusis' vocabulary, apparently.
Eusis laughs at the Goblins' feeble attempts to resist.
Eusis needs therapy or something.