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Author Topic: "This Digital Eagle" - a pum  (Read 3079 times)
Jimmy
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Wakens the Ferine Strain

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« on: March 13, 2006, 08:39:24 PM »

Alright since we've been having a discussion on poetry and all I figured I may as well post one I wrote not too long ago. I don't really remember what the inspiration was for this, but something along the lines of playing Grandia III and listening to A.F.I. played a big factor in it. I tried to keep it pretty formal, hell, I even tried to keep it metered even though I did fail miserably.

Constructive and Destructive criticism is welcome, so feel free to tell me I fucking suck and not to quit my day job.

This Digital Eagle

Softly soaring through these cyber-spaceways,
A digital eagle quietly came
Casting a somber shadow on the waves.
Looking from above with digital eyes,
Some digital scales it did spy.
The eagle tucked its wings and dived.

Quickly it falls, gathering speed,
Readying its talons to do its deed.
Seeing the danger, the prey tried to flee,
but with a splash of zeros and ones
This grand eagle's deed was done.
The cyber-fish in the water was won.

It then made its way back to its nest,
Flying high, it believed it was the best
As it neared the end of its quest.
But from out of nowhere closed a door,
and the eagle entered a dark storm,
Sending it reeling like never before.

Flying hard, it entered the eye.
Two clicks, and the eagle died.
Its data lost, never to be found.
Broken binary upon the ground.
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Degolas
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« Reply #1 on: March 14, 2006, 02:00:22 PM »

I like it. Being almost entirely ignorant about computers and whatnot, I'm not sure I get exactly what it's about, but I'm pretty sure I have a fair idea. Sorry to give the same cliched compliment, but it flows very well throughout, which I thought kind of reflected the swiftness of the eagle.

The only thing I didn't like was the first line of stanza 3, I felt the 'it then' was perhaps a little mundane, and the way it reads slows the pace just a little.
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I had a stupid dream
that I could change things.

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Jimmy
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Wakens the Ferine Strain

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« Reply #2 on: March 14, 2006, 03:17:09 PM »

I agree, in trying to keep the meter I had to use filler words like "its" and "did," and I kind of think they make it a bit boring. Do you think I should throw those words out the window, then, and just stick to the more action words?
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MeshGearFox
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HERE ON RUM ISLAND WE DO NOT BELIEVE IN RUM!

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« Reply #3 on: March 14, 2006, 06:13:44 PM »

In general, yes, avoid filler.
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o/` I do not feel joy o/`
o/` I do not dream o/`
o/` I only stare at the door and smoke o/`

Marona
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« Reply #4 on: March 14, 2006, 08:52:42 PM »

very refreshing poem and a great job of keeping a rythm. If I may, a little tips I would like to share with you is that when writing and conducting a poem, I feel that every word has to count and every image has to be crystal clear in the minds of the audience, while keeping a steady flow and not branching off into to many directions at once.

I always find it helpful to write down a huge list of words that come to my mind to describe the main focus points of the poem, such as the eagle and then a list for the surrounding. This list always helps me to pick out the words that best fit with the other residents of the poem and make it all tie together. Yet its also important not to draw to much attention away from the main focus point, yet making the eagles surroundings and subjects as vivid as possible.

Another suggestion is to avoid to many "it"s - I noticed you used a lot of them in place of the eagle or the fish, while you can fit other more prominent words in place. For example - in place of "and then it.." you could place "Hastily the great bird". I look forward to see your completed project, and remember to have fun with it!
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Jimmy
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« Reply #5 on: March 15, 2006, 08:39:30 PM »

Alright, thanks a lot everyone. I'll be working on a revision next week. I'm going to try hard to keep it metered again (even though I failed the first time). So I'll hopefully have an update next week.
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