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Subject: Persona 3: FES
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Date: 3rd October 2014 Time: 16:00 EST
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Author Topic: Two Poems and One...something I wrote over the summer  (Read 1696 times)
Jimmy
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Wakens the Ferine Strain

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« on: August 23, 2007, 01:31:38 AM »

Alright so I managed to get some writing in this summer while I was away. These are the two poems I wrote, and the other is a something I'm not sure about.

This first one is called "A Face I've Seen." It's pretty personal to me, but I want to get better at this stuff so feedback and criticism would be very much appreciated. All in all I'm not too satisfied with it, but I'm not terribly disappointed; otherwise I wouldn't be sharing it!

Did you know I have a memory?
A memory of a face I’ve seen.
A face with a smile so serene.
It is something I have seen many times.
I have looked into those dark eyes,
And seen bright stars shining in summer skies.

Did you know I have a dream?
Is it a dream of destiny?
Of a future I see in store for me?
It is something I have seen many times.
I have looked with fear into those eyes,
And seen a mask hiding painful lies.

Did you know I have seen the face of Death?
It is something I have seen many times.
I have looked long and hard into those eyes,
And seen darkness, deep and free,
Stretching boundless through eternity.

Did you know I made a promise?
A promise to a face I’ve seen.
A face with a smile so serene.
It is a promise I have made many times,
As I look again into those dark eyes,
And I hear a voice, I know it’s mine,
Say, “I promise I will always try.”



This next one I call, "Road to the Morning Moon." I actually am pretty satisfied with the way this one came out, but again, feedback and criticism welcome.

We’ve been hurt, and we’ve caused pain;
Just enough to keep us sane.
But there’s a better world, a world of blue,
A world they call the Morning Moon.
So grab your bags and don’t waste time.
Let’s walk a while, and all will be fine.
No more broken hearts; this road is blue,
This is the road to the Morning Moon.

We’ve had enough, and we want out
Before we’re old and sick with gout.
So don’t look back, the past won’t matter.
The present is always the best platter.
And the future? Well ours is blue,
Cuz it’s just me, and it’s just you,
On the road to the Morning Moon.

Our memories will be like dreams
Reflected in the gentle moon beams—

What? You’re leaving? You can’t stay?
The only thing waiting back there is pain.
You’re going to go back anyway?

Now, it’s just me, and it’s just…gloom
…On the road to the Morning Moon.



This last thing is, well, weird. I'm not sure I know where it came from. Feel free to ignore it. But if you really want to, feedback and criticism welcome.

God called Jesus on a cellphone and said,
“Kid, where you been, you dead?”
And Jesus said, “Nah old man,
I just been sellin' cell phone plans
and memberships and Verizon's
latest package talkin' 'bout horizons
and limitless minutes long
as they choose a hymn song
to go off when someone call 'em.”
“Well that sounds good as M&Ms,”
God said, “but you late for dinner
so you get your ass back here
else your mom'll tan you hide.”
And Jesus replied,” All right
pops, I be there soon 'nuff.”
“Better get me some new snuff,”
God said to Jesus as they hung up.



That be it!
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Vanguard
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I am America, and I hate JRPGs

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« Reply #1 on: August 23, 2007, 07:44:26 PM »

In the first one, I think you nail it in the first stanza with the hallucinatory line:

I have looked into those dark eyes,
And seen bright stars shining in summer skies.


However, the rest needs some editing. Depending on your intent (lyrics or stand alone poem) it could go either way. If they're lyrics, I would stick to the emotive side of things. People will be able to relate and while it's technically free verse, the verses are all so similar that it flows the same throughout. If you plan on writing poetry with the hope of having it published in a magazine, it needs a lot more work. That's the basis I'm reviewing this on.

Since you're dealing with a person and everything that can be seen looking into their eyes, you really need to explore more than just the darker side of things. Each stanza essentially consists of something significant you've seen, so why not try and incorporate more positive elements, to create a sense of balance. There are two reasons why I like the ending of the first stanza so much. First, it's misleading. Dark eyes tend to be very melancholy sad things to look at, but what you saw were very hopeful images. Second, because it evokes both day and night (sun and stars), which could be a great way to lead into the following stanzas, which should be about both the good and bad times.

After that I would almost suggest scrapping everything you've written in its entirety. Your new stanzas should consist of more specific, tangible things. Rather than blatantly state that you've seen boundless darkness, or a mask hiding lies, try and create a scene that evokes that idea without directly telling the reader. You'll need to play extensively with metaphors to do this.

If you haven't already, I would try reading Arthur Rimbaud. He's a French symbolist poet who wrote a few hundred pages of poems in three short years and then quit before he was twenty, for the rest of his life. He's called a symbolist because he didn't believe in directly stating the meaning, but by hiding it in images. You should specifically check out   A Season in Hell and the Drunken Boat, which were two of his major works. If you do purchase the book, make sure the translations are done by Louis Varese, otherwise the translations will be sub-par and not as helpful.

----

The second poem is better, and the sing-song nature fits very well with the morning moon. I would rewrite two parts. The first:

So don’t look back, the past won’t matter.
The present is always the best platter.


The first line is fine, but the rhyme is a little awkard. Consider rewriting the whole thing or dropping the rhyme for just that line.

And also, rewrite the ending. Unless your happiness is absolutely contingent on the other person being with you. I took the 'we' as not a specific person, but more a way to speak to the reader.  

---

The last poem is really fun, but needs some editing. I particularly like the structure. Since it's basically non-sense, I don't know what to tell you to do to it. However, here's a link to another poem about Jesus.

http://www.levity.com/corduroy/ferling.htm

It's from A Coney Island of the Mind, a collection written in the fifties by Lawrence Ferlinghetti, the owner of City Lights, the bookstore that published Allen Ginsberg's Howl. Subsequently, an obscenity trial followed in whcih it was ruled you could write anything as long as it had redeeming social value, but I digress. Unfortunately, the site didn't get the structure right, but the pages that did tended to be ridden with typos. If you like that poem then I highly recommend you give that book a reading, as it's one of my favorite collections by one of my favorite poets.

Hope I helped.
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Thoren: Astronomers fucking love stars and shit. Whitman was a bitch.
Hidoshi: Walt Whitman could beat you with both dicks tied behind his back.
Jimmy
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Wakens the Ferine Strain

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« Reply #2 on: August 23, 2007, 08:49:19 PM »

Yes, you helped a lot. I really agree with you on the first poem. I never thought much about that one, it just kind of came out. But I think those are good ideas, and you're right about making the poem more tangible and less abstract than what I pulled off in the second and third stanzas. I'm not sure what exactly I would do to change it right now, but I'll think about it when I have some time over the weekend.

Totally right on the matter/platter rhyme. It was forced hard, and I need to come up with something better. It is also annoying because the flow of the line puts the stress right on the "p" in "platter." But I wanted something to go with matter...so I left it in there.

I'm not necessarily referring to the reader in that one, but I'm not really referring to any fictional companion either. I was pretty sure I wanted it to go both ways as a personal companionship thing, and a reader interaction. But maybe I failed in that regard.

The last one, yea, looking over it now there are no breaks for a long time! It's the oldest of them all and I didn't even think to look at that before I copied and pasted.

Anyway, I have no plans of having any kind of creative writing published, and probably won't ever want to. When I write something, it's for me, but that doesn't mean I don't want to get better at it.

Thanks, Vanguard.

More thoughts and stuff welcome from others.
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Vanguard
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« Reply #3 on: August 24, 2007, 12:33:13 AM »

Yeah, don't worry about the changes in that first poem just yet. Take a while to go off and do other things, and when you come back to I'm sure you'll immediately get some ideas as to where you really want to take it.

On the second poem regarding voice, I would suggest making it much more intimate. Even if it's directed toward someone personal, the honest, sincere tone will still come off in a way that makes it seem like you're speaking right in the reader's ear. If you can do this, I'm sure you won't even have to change the ending because both the reader and the person will seem so significant that it's a drag not having them around.

Also, I don't think you should change the rambling nature of that last one. At second glance I think it's even better and has some potential. The only break should be between:

to go off when someone call 'em.”
“Well that sounds good as M&Ms,”


Almost have it written like dialogue. Get rid of the M&Ms thing, and give them a real humorous conversation that relates to their situation: a son being late for dinner and his dad scolding him for it, only the son is Jesus and the father is God.
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Thoren: Astronomers fucking love stars and shit. Whitman was a bitch.
Hidoshi: Walt Whitman could beat you with both dicks tied behind his back.
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