Opinions on this story?

[everluck]

Wrote this last year for a creative writing class, uncovered it while going through some stuff for school. It's sort of long, but not exactly a novel. I'm curious if any of you might read it and provide feedback. Like it? Hate it? Why? Etc.

I tried copy and pasting, but it kills the format, so I uploaded the two files (two "chapters") to mediafire. Hopefully someone will take the time to download them, but I realize my chances of feedback are now drastically reduced :(

http://www.mediafire.com/?sharekey=4e92a826429732b1d2db6fb9a8902bda

[Azrael]

Oh snap, I read them!!  As for my opinions.

I really liked them, what a unique and unexpected character.  Honestly I liked the character study a lot more than I liked the story though they were both entertaining.  I found the story a bit lacking towards the end.  I don't know if you had any restrictions, but the conversation she has with her husband in the bathroom seemed a bit too...I guess forced.  It just didn't seem all that natural.  I think it was the pacing, I felt like she should've tried to cut him off or maybe you could have just added a few more breaks in between to describe what was going on.  Otherwise everything was great, I thought your descriptions were really good and I was really able to picture and follow everything, which for me is an accomplishment because I tend to get bored with descriptions that get too lengthy.

Also, with the story you had, I think the ending could have had a much harsher punch.  I totally understand what you were going for, but I guess it wasn't satisfying to me because it ended past the point I had expected it to end.  I think it is because the last piece, which it seems like she recorded, didn't feel recorded.  The speech just felt too much like narration instead of speech.

[everluck]

Thanks for reading. Almost forgot I posted this.

The only restrictions I was under were that I needed to base the character off someone I'd met in real life, and that the story couldn't be too long. I sort of realized half way through the second part that I needed to end it soon, so I tried to compress things.

Thanks very much for that feedback. What you said was pretty much exactly the kind of thing I was looking for.