Frank the Disgruntled Horse Penis

A short monologue, only 400 words. Enjoy!

Frank the Disgruntled Horse Penis
By David Owen

   ‘Hey everyone, what’s up? I’m Frank. How is everyone? I’m good, just, you know, hanging around.
   I’m sorry, that was a terrible. It’s not my fault though. Being a horse penis you don’t really have your ear to the ground. It’s really difficult hearing all the new jokes, getting in on the trends, catching up on current affairs. You think the farmers give me an opportunity to read the newspaper? Last bit of news I heard was that President Clinton was hung like me.
   I live an entirely pointless existence. I dangle off this big dumb beast, who’s never put out to stud, so I get no action at all. The best I get is being rubbed against a tree. Some are lucky, they get lonely farmers who spend a lot of time in the barn, if you know what I mean.
   If I believed in a God, I would think I was being punished for something I did in a past life, because only a really horrible bastard deserves this.
   Frankly I’m sick of just staring down at the bloody grass all day. I want something to fill my day with, a hobby. I’ve always thought that badminton looked fun.
   I have aspirations in life. I don’t ask for a lot, but I certainly ask for more than this. Even horse penises have a dream, you know. My biggest aim in life is fame, and that’s not as crazy as you’d think.
   I just need the opportunity to get my hands on a young woman, or even a man. One of those sick people that’ll do anything for a bit of money, and think they can take me on. They turn the camera on, I go up inside, and cause some internal bleeding. The girl can’t take it, goes to hospital, and dies a day or two later.
   I know what you’re thinking, but don’t judge me yet. It’s a shame that she has to die, but it makes the video so much more dangerous. Within a week it hits the Internet, goes global. Kids download it onto their mobile phones and share it with all their perverted little friends. Before you know it half the world is staring at me in all my glory.
   But it’ll never happen. I have to get landed with an honest, law-abiding farmer. I just have to do my best to carry on, live day by day. Day by day. Horses can’t live that long can they?