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Author Topic: My own brother disgusts me  (Read 7931 times)
Tomara
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« on: February 10, 2009, 06:13:30 AM »

Don't get me wrong, we get along quite well most of the time, but he can be so disgusting. Not farting at the table type of disgusting disgusting, but he's fat, smells like sweat and beer and talks as if he's proud of it!

Yesterday we were all sitting around the table and we were talking about things like odd jobs, how we spend our extra cash etc. My sister does some promotion work in the weekends and my brother commented he made a lot more money at her age. She replied she didn't need a lot of money to do the things she likes. Then my brother said "Yeah, you don't go out much. I have a very active social life and spend 400 a month on booze alone!"

It didn't stop there. My sister and I told him that's unhealthy and a waste of money. As a rebuttal he proudly exclaimed he's considered an alcoholic by some standards. He also said that we're all going to die eventually. To which I replied: "And you'll be the first one to go."

He didn't get mad, instead he started making fun of my social life. I went upstairs soon after, not wanting a confrontation. 

It's not just his drinking that disgusts me. He's also very fat. If I had to estimate his weight, I'd say he's around 250 pounds. He's starting to have a hard time fitting into XXL sized clothing. He eats unhealthy, snacks a lot. Sometimes he skips dinner saying the bratwurst contains to much fat. Which I kinda true, it's not something you want to eat when you're trying to lose weight. But do you know what he replaced the lost meal with? A salami pizza from the freezer. A 1000 kcal salt bomb!

He's not stupid. He is an assistant accountant, studying to become a fullfledged one. Maybe he is in denial. Everytime someone tries to say something about his lifestyle he starts verbally attacking that person. My mom could probably reason with him, but she doesn't. He isn't fat, he's just big boned. Yeah, right.

It annoys me, it disgusts me, but it also worries me.

I don't know what I want with this topic. Advice would be welcome. I guess I just wanted to tell this to someone who might listen.
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Hathen
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« Reply #1 on: February 10, 2009, 02:14:48 PM »

Honestly he sounds a little bit like me. Well, thought-line-wise, at least.

I'm pretty overweight (I'm about 200 pounds, and probably around 6'), but I don't drink and I try to keep myself clean. One big thing people bother me about is my hair length and tidiness, though. It extends to about the center of my back at the moment. My hair gets oily really easily and it ends up making me look like a a hobo of some sort, according to some people.

I have plenty of people telling me to cut my hair (For the single reason that I have to do it to give good first impressions for my professors and teachers), but I don't really want to do that (I might get it tidied up a little soon, but I don't want to flat-out cut it off), and it really irritates me every time somebody in my family tells me to do it. If you're older than your brother, his line of thought is probably you're only a few years his senior so you have no place in giving him advice, and if you're younger he's probably thinking you're just being his bratty little sister.

Personally I think if anything, if your brother has any really close/good friends, you should try to talk to them and have them talk to your brother. Getting advice from your friends is very different from getting advice from your family, because a family generally feels that it's their place to tell you where you're doing something wrong. If a friend tells you, it means it's bad enough for them to notice it and actually speak up about it to you.
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Losfer
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« Reply #2 on: February 10, 2009, 02:37:22 PM »

I'd attempt to limit my time around him.  My sister has habits I detest and I simply avoid her whenever she's around.  She smokes, I think it's disgusting.  She does drugs, I think drugs are retarded.  She's 23 with a two year old son and no husband, I think that's just fucked.

I simply have no reason to talk to her.  I wouldn't talk to a random person on the bus or in a shop who seeped these traits, so I won't put up with it when it's a family member.

And a lot of people say that I should be more forgiving as it's family, but I disagree.  I /should/ hold my family in high regard, but when they fall, they truly do fall from a high place.

It sounds like you want to help your brother, but my only advice is that if his actions and deeds disrupt your mind that much, he might not be worth it.

I'd give up on him.
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Hathen
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« Reply #3 on: February 10, 2009, 03:13:41 PM »

His problem really isn't that big, IMO. Are you honestly saying to give up on someone because they have a drinking problem?
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Tomara
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« Reply #4 on: February 10, 2009, 03:56:17 PM »

I'm his big senior, but I'm also the sister who was unable to finish college. I do have an income, but part of it comes from the government because of my disability. I work at home, so he doesn't see me go to work. He likes to hold that against me. In his eyes I'm a lazy freeloader.

His friends are just like him. Binge drinking is a favorite pasttime in this area. They all have jobs, but that is their excuse to not hold back during the weekends. My brother has gained a lot of weight the last 5 years. He used to be underweight as a kid and a bit chubby in his early teens. Now he's fat. His beergut has stretch marks, that's how fast it happened. And that's what worries me most, because many people from my dads side of the family died early because of unhealthy lifestyles. One of my aunts got so fat she couldn't walk anymore.

I can't ignore him. We both still live with our parents. I guess I could refuse to make his bed in the mornings and just leave his dirty laundry on the floor, but if I don't clean up after him the house will become filthy... And he's my brother. He may be an ass when he comes home from work, but we get along fine the rest of the time. It's not as if he's an agressive drunk, just a very unhealthy one.
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Dincrest
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« Reply #5 on: February 10, 2009, 05:51:51 PM »

Just be careful that you don't get yourself stuck in a role where you're justifying someone else's bad behavior as "it's really not that bad" and possibly being an enabler.  Tough love is, well, tough.  People try the tough love, then feel like a horrible person and then give up on that and nothing changes.  Gotta be mentally prepared for that and stick with it. 

It sounds to me with your brother that, as cliche as it sounds, no one can really help him until he wants to help himself.  A lot of people, no matter how much you want to smack them upside the head to face reality they've been proverbially smacked so many times that another smack is meaningless.  They've been screamed at so much that it falls on deaf ears. 

It sounds like he's going to need a massive wake-up call before he decides to change.  A good family therapist/counselor will have strategies to induce that wake-up call.  Since I most certainly am not one of those, I can't really advise you there. 

It's funny, I too was undrweight as a kid, a bit chubby as a teen, and am an overweight adult due to many years of bad habits.  At times it didn't even matter to me that diabetes and alcoholism run in my family, though the latter is very hush-hush.  But things are different now since I've taken up cycling.  I've lost about 7 kilos/15 pounds since I took up cycling late last year, I'm working out a lot, monitoring my diet more (less meat, more vegetables), I've cut down on sweets, fats, and alchohol big time, and I'm hoping to eventually lose about 20 more kilos/44 or so pounds.  For me, no matter how much I would work out or watch my diet, it didn't click.  It's only when I found a sport that I really enjoyed and have passion for that changed everything.  Cycling's changing my life and is the reason I'm adopting a new lifestyle.  It just clicked for me.   
« Last Edit: February 10, 2009, 05:59:46 PM by Dincrest » Logged

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Ashton
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« Reply #6 on: February 10, 2009, 08:01:44 PM »

I'd give up on him.
You give up too easily.
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Serene Prophet
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« Reply #7 on: February 10, 2009, 08:42:50 PM »

Ouch, very fat is 250?  I must be like super fat then at 310 :P.

Course it varies on body type and stuff, im 5'8 but ive also got a high muscle mass.  Im still fat mind you, but one of those stronger fat guys if you get my drift.  But I try and do 4 miles of walking 3 times a week.  Free weights, etc.

I can understand though.  I dont always eat the best, and because I live alone I dont always shower as often as maybe I should, or ill use shirts a bit longer than needed, just spray some cologne on and stuff.  But if I go out of the house, or have people over, I make sure to be clean and tidy.  And for the most part I cant stand being stinky, cause I can tell, and its like once stuff has reached that point its time to clean whatever it is, be it me or clothes or whatnot. 

I also get where your coming from with the disability thing, since I have the same thing.  Right now all my income comes from Social Security, but while I do sometimes feel like a lazy freeloader (which I sometimes am) I am working on trying to get some sort of job, even moving to a new city so I have access to a much better job market.  (from the UP of Michigan..no mans land, to Green Bay Wisconsin)

It is a shame hes such an ass about it sometimes.  I dont drink myself, I never got to enjoy the taste, so I really cant offer anything there.

Still I guess its up to you how much your brother means to you.  You should take that into consideration in how you want to approach it.  Family is a great thing, but sometimes it just doesnt work between certain people.  Again im an only child and my parents and I are very close, but me and my birth mom we barely know one another.

Well thats my two cents anyways.
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Losfer
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« Reply #8 on: February 11, 2009, 03:19:38 PM »

I'd give up on him.
You give up too easily.

Naw.
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Ashton
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« Reply #9 on: February 11, 2009, 06:46:56 PM »

Yea.
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Losfer
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« Reply #10 on: February 12, 2009, 10:49:05 AM »

Nu uh!
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Blace
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« Reply #11 on: February 12, 2009, 12:18:55 PM »

What an intense conversation.
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Dincrest
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« Reply #12 on: February 13, 2009, 08:09:22 PM »

o rly?

ya rly!

I know I shouldn't be joking around since it's a serious sitch, but perhaps a laugh from the RPGFan peanut gallery will at least provide 3 seconds of laughter relief. 

Honestly, the guidance counselor in me wishes I could help further, but I don't wanna make any assumptions and offer potentially bad advice that could mess up the family dynamic.  I feel like there's only so much I can tell about people and situations from online communication.  I'm a hands-on kinda guy and like to have actual face-time with people to get to the heart of anything. 
« Last Edit: February 14, 2009, 06:44:07 AM by Dincrest » Logged

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Wild Armor
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« Reply #13 on: February 13, 2009, 08:53:00 PM »

Does he have the mentality that he isn't going to live a second after 30? I've met a lot of people who don't want to live past their thirties because they don't see a future in themselves or they just simply don't care.
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Ashton
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« Reply #14 on: February 14, 2009, 03:54:21 AM »

Nu uh!
Yuh h... okay, actually, this is going nowhere so I'll shoot straight. Just giving up on a person because you disagree with one or two of his habits or traits is idiotic. If this were the case I'd hate everyone (which some people may assume I do, but honestly I'm just a jerk for laughs sometimes). It's kind of funny how you're saying she should just give up on her brother instead of trying to help him better himself, even inferring that trying is a waste of time, when you could find similar traits/habits to hate about ANYONE. She we give up one everyone and just kill each other then? That's like if a doctor said to a patient "I'm sorry, but it looks like your cancer isn't going anywhere so I'm throwing in the towel. See you at your funeral!" It's absurd to an extreme level.

Anyway, Tomara, according to my psych rotations in med school, actions like what your brother does is actually more of a psychological defense mechanism. What he's trying to do (at the very least on a subconscious level) is to get his family to help him. He may act like a dick, but what he's really saying is "I can't do this by myself, I need my family's help." Unfortunately, most people won't admit they have a problem even when they know they do due to pride (in males, especially; we hate admitting weakness or needing help... sorry, we can't help ourselves, it's just in our nature). They 'brag' about it to their families or friends so that they can draw attention to their problems and eventually let their family convince them to get the help they need, so that in the end they can say they 'did it for their family/friends.' In this way they can avoid admitting weakness while helping themselves out of their rut. From what I'm learned it's a rather common scenario among young people, males especially. So what I'd advise you to do is the exact opposite of Losfer: keep at it. He's actually yelling for help underneath that idiotic layer of pride and denial. Of course, some people require more push than others, and it may well be that your patience will run out way before his stubbornness does. You can't help him in that case, but at least you can say you gave it your best shot.
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