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Author Topic: My own brother disgusts me  (Read 7732 times)
Losfer
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« Reply #15 on: February 14, 2009, 09:44:37 AM »

Well, I'm not saying that trying is a waste of time, cause it sounds like she's tried quite a bit to help him.  What I'm saying is that she's tried, but he doesn't want to hear it and his actions are harming her now.  It sounds like he's given up on himself.

It sounds like Tomara wants to help her brother, but it sounds like he doesn't want to help himself.  It sounds like she's tried really hard to help him and that is indeed commendable, but she should be wary that if she tries too hard to help him and he doesn't care, it could cause her even more heartsickness in the end.

If his actions are harming her as much as they seem to be and if he's not responding to her help, then she shouldn't have to suffer because of that.

This is why distancing herself from him might be a good idea.  At least for awhile.
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Takezo
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« Reply #16 on: February 25, 2009, 12:40:26 PM »

He sounds pretty cool, quit hatin'

No really though, what has actually been stated about this guy that's so bad? He drinks with his friends? Over five years he's gotten fat? Is this really that traumatic, I'd be willing to bet that there is a good 10 or so people on this board that weigh more than him and I know we're not  the teetotaller society so what's the big issue. I mean apparently he has a job/is in or has finished with school and he's not actually hurting anyone in the family.

I mean imagine this thread from a different perspective:

"my sister is nosy and keeps trying to interfere with my life under the pretense of being 'concerned' but she calls me disgusting at the same time-- despite the fact that I'm actually doing pretty well. I like to drink with my friends, but I have a job and am actually working towards a legitimate degree/profession. I get on pretty well with my mom but my sister wont stop breaking my balls about how fat I am, she even knows and monitors what size clothes I wear. She tells wierd Americans on the internet that I'm disgusting. What should I do"
« Last Edit: February 25, 2009, 12:52:29 PM by Takezo » Logged
Tomara
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« Reply #17 on: February 25, 2009, 03:03:21 PM »

He spends almost half his income on booze. He owes me money. When I'm at home he doesn't clean up the mess his makes, because he know I will clean it up eventually. His weight worries me, because he keeps gaining weight and all sorts of obesity-related deceases run in the family. The reason I know his size is because I've been buying clothes for him for years. He refuses to buy underwear at the budget store, so my mom and I do it for him.
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Losfer
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« Reply #18 on: February 25, 2009, 03:06:55 PM »

Why won't he buy his own underwear?

I'd feel terrible if my mom and sister had to buy my underpants for me.  :P
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Angelo
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« Reply #19 on: February 25, 2009, 03:23:56 PM »

Then my brother said "Yeah, you don't go out much. I have a very active social life and spend 400 a month on booze alone!"

The proper response is: "If you spend it on porn instead, you might lose some weight."  Kidding aside, he says that stuff to get a rise out of you, and clearly it's working.  Don't take the bait.  Let his words ring hollow a few times.

I'll tell you what won't work: badgering someone engaged in an unhealthy lifestyle about how unhealthy it is.  Except when he deserves it -- i.e. he threw some shit your way first.  Be prepared for the possibility that there's nothing you can do for him.

There's something you can do for yourself, though.  Stop picking up after him.  Don't lend him money.  The old saying, "don't buy a drunk a drink," applies to more than just drinking.  Don't let his bad behavior be a source of shame for you.
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Boomerang Flash Z
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« Reply #20 on: February 25, 2009, 08:29:58 PM »

Then my brother said "Yeah, you don't go out much. I have a very active social life and spend 400 a month on booze alone!"

The proper response is: "If you spend it on porn instead, you might lose some weight."  Kidding aside, he says that stuff to get a rise out of you, and clearly it's working.  Don't take the bait.  Let his words ring hollow a few times.

I'll tell you what won't work: badgering someone engaged in an unhealthy lifestyle about how unhealthy it is.  Except when he deserves it -- i.e. he threw some shit your way first.  Be prepared for the possibility that there's nothing you can do for him.

There's something you can do for yourself, though.  Stop picking up after him.  Don't lend him money.  The old saying, "don't buy a drunk a drink," applies to more than just drinking.  Don't let his bad behavior be a source of shame for you.

I would have to agree.  It sounds like you are doing what you can, Tomara.  But I think space is between the two of you is recommended.  It'll help clear your mind and help with the stress.  Stress is bad.
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« Reply #21 on: February 25, 2009, 11:07:54 PM »

Well the picking up after him thing might just be something she has to do to keep things sanitary.  I mean if hes messing up areas she uses constantly, and he isn't cleaning it, she cant really just let it sit or whatever.  But otherwise yeah.  Ugh..sounds like an ass, no offense.
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Ashton
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« Reply #22 on: February 25, 2009, 11:29:07 PM »

She could just pick it up and throw it in his room. That what I did when my ex started getting too messy for me, I started throwing her shit in her personal area.
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Tomara
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« Reply #23 on: February 26, 2009, 07:31:58 AM »

I have multiple reasons for cleaning up after him:
1. Food shouldn't be left out in the open.
2. We'll run out of dinner plates if we just leave them in his room.
3. Not turning off his big ass TV, laptop etc costs a lot of money. He doesn't pay the bill, my parents do. Though I have to admit he doesn't leave his TV in the mornign anymore, probably because we warned him multiple times.
4. We share consoles and the Xbox 360 is in his room. I already came to associate Xenosaga and Dark Cloud with dirty laundry and the smell of sweat, I don't want to think about empty bags of crisps everytime I play Blue Dragon

According to my mom he does tidy up, but only if he knows my mom, my sister and I aren't at home. I know we enable his behaviour to some degree, but it's easier then trying to force him to be more responsible.

I think it will be easier to get along with him when we don't live in the same house anymore. He avoids responsibility as much as possible, but he also knows when to take it. He wouldn't have a decent a job if he didn't.
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Hathen
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« Reply #24 on: February 26, 2009, 10:20:14 AM »

Sounds to me you answered your own question there.
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Ramza
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« Reply #25 on: March 13, 2009, 03:31:30 AM »

I'd attempt to limit my time around him.  My sister has habits I detest and I simply avoid her whenever she's around.  She smokes, I think it's disgusting.  She does drugs, I think drugs are retarded.  She's 23 with a two year old son and no husband, I think that's just fucked.

Two year old son + mother does drugs = you're asking for social services to take your child away from you.

It may be a rude awakening, but once you got kids in the house, it's time to start cleaning up your act. Hell, I've had to work on using curse words less frequently (and less loudly), I've cut down on gaming time, I can't watch R-rated movies whenever I feel like it. Shit, I can't even imagine trying to balance a DRUG HABIT in the midst of all that. Good luck with your sister, bro.
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Wild Armor
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« Reply #26 on: March 14, 2009, 07:43:43 PM »

That's very true, I limit my usage of profanity in front of my siblings because I don't want them talking like their older brother does. I've been a lot better than I used to be in highschool (I was a cuss mouth, only the good Lord knows how I became the better situated person I am now, Haha).

I'm pretty sure we can all live our lives without having to cuss at all.. not sure so much about the cigarettes, I've seen people who really need one to calm them down. They aren't compulsive smokers who need a puff every second, but just one every now and then when they are stressed. This is why I am never surprised if I see a musician pop a quick smoke before and/or after a performance... I know the feeling and it's not a great feeling. You can tell how excited I am for my juries in May. ;)

Went off topic...

Your brother is going to have to learn things the hard way when he's living on his own. My brother has somewhat the same traits with a lesser threat to us than what you are going through, but still is a bother to us all none the less. I don't want to talk badly of my brother because he means well, but I too would like to see his attitude to simmer down when we try to talk to him like an adult (He reacts like a child sometimes and will yell... for goodness sakes he's too old to be acting that way).

My parents are partially to blame for this because they don't believe in reason, rather they believe in "I AM THE LAAAW" (catch the reference ;) ), so my brother and I have to deal with their idea of justice in the household. By "Their Law", I'm pretty much letting you know that they are heavy hypocrites that won't follow their own rules. On one side, they can act like that because it is their home, but if you are going to use the "Do as I say, not as I do" method, for goodness sake don't do enough of so it just makes you look like Evil Monarchs.

I would like to see improvements in the household for the sake of my brother at the cost of his attitude and laziness. Once I see a change on his end, I know for sure that the rest will fall into position... or I'll force it myself because even I can take so much :).

This got a bit wordy...  but I understand where you are coming from. I can only tell you that with time will either comes improvement or failure... be sure not to succumb to it as well when they do fall for the sake of your mental and physical state.

- Wild Armor
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