Author Topic: Whats the haps?

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MeshGearFox

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Re: What's the haps?
« Reply #17025 on: June 17, 2016, 12:50:34 AM »
[semi-redacted; I was nooot fully awake when I wrote that and it feels kind of creepy to read it now]

--

I remember when I was in highschool and the dogs were still puppies and I guess I was more OCDish than I was now, I always felt this... low-level dread around them because this /thought/ kept lodging itself in my mind, that they were small enough to fit in the microwave and that there was nothing /really/ physically stopping me from microwaving them. I wouldn't have done that -- I think animal abuse is horrific and people that kill dogs for fun are like, the lowest of the low to me, but it was still this thought I couldn't shake. That it was /possible/.

And I think I mentioned this several times, but, uh, when I was seventeen I sprained my ankle jumping over a gate because, even though I logically knew it was a bad idea I had this compulsion and it's like I couldn't /not/ act on it.

You can get things in your mind that you can't get rid of even though you logically know you should and it's... not really a case of letting good advice sink in or just growing up and sucking it up and getting over it. It's like a tape record playing on loop that doesn't shut up, getting... more irrational, more reduced, more magnified, more not-part-of-reality with each playback.

And the worst part is when you can't tell the difference between that like, obsessive, gnawing, delusional feedback /noise/ and your core beliefs or real pain. Is this thing a hobby or do I just have an /obsession/ with it? Am I having fun or am I /addicted/? Do I really hold these political views or is it just a bee that got in my bonnet and I convinced myself I cared about it more than I do?
« Last Edit: June 17, 2016, 06:02:24 PM by MeshGearFox »
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Klutz64

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Re: What's the haps?
« Reply #17026 on: June 17, 2016, 01:01:11 AM »
That was amazingly poignant, Mesh. It is a good description of how I often feel... just very insecure about how much I actually know about myself and how much is just an image I've created for other people to see.

Towns Car Marty

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Re: What's the haps?
« Reply #17027 on: June 17, 2016, 02:18:52 AM »
Mesh, have you ever read Artaud's writing on The Theatre of Cruelty? It's all about those impulses and how they can be factored into performance and creativity.
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Kevadu

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Re: What's the haps?
« Reply #17028 on: June 17, 2016, 03:15:32 AM »
All this talk about jobs and stuff has made me decide to be uncharacteristically open and actually talk about myself...I don't know, it might make a good story.

I finished my PhD in physics back in December 2013.  But for various reasons (too long to go into here), I decided I really didn't want to continue on in physics and it was time to switch fields.  I picked data science/machine learning for my future career because: 1) it sounded interesting, 2) I had been programming forever (since well before I started pursing physics actually) and I was looking for something in that direction, 3) it's also math heavy so seemed suited to my skillset, and 4) It's a super-hot field right now and I kept hearing about how they couldn't find enough people and the salaries were high.  Seemed like enough reason for me.

I didn't really do much in the way of job searching while I was still in grad school because I had some savings and honestly wanted to take some time off before I started working for real.  I figured I had plenty of time to get series about job searching after my dissertation was done.  In retrospect I was pretty arrogant.  I had no experience in the field, no connections, no portfolio of work, and no real experience even in writing resumes or job searching either.  I had absolute confidence that given my skills I would have no difficulty doing the job.  But I kind of forgot about trying to sell myself to the people hiring.  I guess I thought they would figure it out on their own somehow...

Obviously that didn't happen.

Months went by with my job search yielding nothing.  Eventually it was over a year.   My savings dwindled.  The gap on my resume started growing uncomfortably large, to the point where I had to awkwardly try to explain it.  I started to realize that the prospect of ever getting hired only grew dimmer with time.  The odd thing about job searching is that nobody wants to hire somebody who doesn't already have a job.  It's a real bias, there's an implicit assumption by many recruiters that anyone worth hiring would already have been hired.  And by extension somebody who hasn't been able to find a job for over a year must be scum on earth...

I grew extremely depressed.  I think anyone would, really.  Constant rejection is never fun.  But in my case I took it particularly bad because, well, this was the kind of stuff I was supposed to be actually good at.  Look, I'm not a people person.  Hell I'm a bit of a misanthrope.  I never had much success in relationships and even my friends I keep at a bit of a distance.  But I am smart.  A bit presumptuous to say that myself, maybe, but they don't give physics PhDs to just anyone.  I've always excelled in academics and problem solving.  Not just academics, though.  When I was still in high school and other kids had jobs bagging groceries I got an internship at a software company.  They liked me enough they offered me a full-time position, but I decided to go to college instead.  Even though my degree was in physics this wasn't exactly an unknown world to me.  I knew I could do the job, but I felt like nobody would even give me a chance to demonstrate that I could...

But having gotten nowhere I started seriously thinking about suicide.  It's not like I was so desperate I had no other recourse, but I really felt like if I couldn't make this work then I couldn't make anything work in my life...that there was no point in continuing it...that I should just end it rather than cling to a life with no future...

(Incidentally before now I never actual admit the above to anyone, ever.  I tend to keep stuff to myself...)

At some point I decided that I would kill myself when my savings ran out.  My savings ran out.  I didn't kill myself.  It's hard to say for sure how serious I was about it, really, but I did feel like it was nothing but cowardice keeping me from doing it.   Since I had basically no money left I started putting all of my expenses on credit cards that I had no way of paying off.  Totally unsustainable and I damn well knew it, but it works for a little while.  And being sustainable really wasn't the objective.  After all this was meant to be nothing more than a temporary concession after I chickened out of killing myself the first time.  This way once those cards were maxed out I would feel like I really had no other choice...

Funny thing happened, though.  I got a job before that happened.  Exactly the kind of job I had been looking for.  The details of how...well, that's kind of involved.  Suffice to say that I hadn't completely given up and had continued to look the whole time.  Sending out resumes by this point was basically pointless but I was going around to local meetups and stuff trying to make connections.  And I did manage to make some, and finally someone actually gave me a chance.

Incidentally, it turns out my earlier arrogance was pretty justified.  Of course my earlier way of job-searching was...flawed to say the least.  But once I actually got a job I really was fucking good at it.  I've basically gotten nothing but praise at work, and increasingly it feels like they're going to be basing the whole strategic direction of the company on stuff I've built.  Heck, at one point we were discussing at work the need to hire more people and one of my coworkers said (quite sincerely), "We just need to hire another <my name>.  He's worth at least 3 people."  I never told him I was on the verge of suicide before I got this job...wonder what he would think about that.

It's amazing how much things have changed.  These days my worries include topics such as what to do with all the money I make.  No, seriously.  I went from being a grad student (not exactly living the high life) to being unemployed to a six figure salary.  I'm still living in the same shitty old apartment because I'm too fundamentally cheap to live somewhere nicer (well, and I hate moving...).  I have no major expenses or debt (Those credit cards I mentioned?  Paid them off in like 2 months.  Too longer than that to accumulate the debt...).  What am I supposed to do with this much income?  I already bought a nice car but I barely drive it.  Any good kickstarters out there I should drop $10k on?

So there's my story.  I'm not sure what the message is supposed to be.  Don't give up?  Don't act completely arrogant (even if you're right)?  That the whole job-interviewing process is kind of flawed?  That if you try to max out your credit cards good things will happen?  Probably not the last one...

Hathen

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Re: What's the haps?
« Reply #17029 on: June 17, 2016, 03:30:47 AM »
I mean, I think I get the whole "my id is telling me to be a dick" thing. There are still parts of my brain that rapid fire those who, why, how questions about myself, it's just that meeting lots of people having it way worse reminded me that I needed to do better at what I do, to be more considerate to those around me (except when I'm trolling AgentD and others on the interwebs) and to spend some more time helping others so they also have an opportunity to experience things I've had the privilege to (and perhaps also have their children end up being adolescents like me asking self-centered questions about purpose). That's not to say people need to volunteer all their free time at soup kitchens or something, just that it puts things in perspective.

I'm not saying that "purpose" isn't a important question, of course. I feel like I've seen a lot of editorials that really like to pass around this idea that millennials (which I'm pretty sure is like 90+% of the posters here) have this greater need for purpose in life compared to other generations, but really, people have been thinking about this sort of thing for a really long time now, and the general answers have always been more or less the same.

Quick and easy solution is religion if that works for you. If you choose this path please pick a real religion and not one of those self-improvement workshops where they ask you to donate seed money so you can fund the beaming device onto the intergalactic space-Kia or whatever.

The alternative is to spend some time reading about (or maybe take a community college course in) Philosophy, and you're like me that'll lead you down the rabbit hole of reading about way too much crazy shit in Cosmology and Quantum Physics and such (aka procrastinating from doing your actual work) which will almost all be beyond your comprehension because if it wasn't, we'd be too busy trying to debate Stephen Hawking or something.

Basically I think our everyday as productive members of society is to eventually get the whole of humanity to that Star Trek post-scarcity utopia future where all of us get to fart around like useless hippies talking about the nature of existence, the latter of which is something the greatest minds amongst us are making slow advancements in even as we try to achieve the former goal.

Also like most Americans I enjoy eating.

sorry for the filibuster, I don't know if it'll help but that's just my take on the universe and shit

Klutz64

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Re: What's the haps?
« Reply #17030 on: June 17, 2016, 09:13:09 AM »
snip

I like the approach, and I do see a *lot* of similarities in our situations, except I don't really have much confidence in any sort of skillset, so I can't really do any specific networking to try and find a job.

Still, thank you very much for sharing, as it does alleviate some of that regret for acting irresponsibly for most of the early part of my adult life.

Arvis

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Re: What's the haps?
« Reply #17031 on: June 17, 2016, 09:40:05 AM »
@Kevadu
Wow.  I read every word of that, just so you know, and I do think your experience can help others.  The "Never give up, never surrender!" message may feel like a cliché, but it's a cliché because it's true.

But is it just me or does the sentiment "lots of people have it way worse" only reinforce the idea that life is a long and meaningless series of endless obstacles?

If each person were an island, sure, that would be true.  If Hathen doesn't mind, though, I'd like to summarize his "filibuster" into one sentence: Don't be individualistic.
"You know, you're pretty cool too, Arvis.  You like good music, good games, and good tennis." - Divingfalcons

Frostillicus

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Re: What's the haps?
« Reply #17032 on: June 17, 2016, 10:31:06 AM »
<GRIPE>

I'm starting to understand Mesh's bitterness with his local post office.  Don't get me wrong, my neighborhood post office is fantastic, and the mail lady is awesome. The one that delivers to my office though...., is staffed by inept nitwits. I never should have gloated about getting 2 day shipments in one day, cuz that shit blew up in my face.
Two times now, they have failed to deliver a package from Amazon. Presumably because the carrier didn't feel like coming out here. Both times, the packages got as far as being marked as "out for delivery", but never showed up. No mail at all was delivered either time, which is why I believe it was simply because they just didn't feel like making the trip.
The first time, they ultimately marked the package as being undeliverable. Apparently due to an address issue (even though they had successfully delivered multiple packages to me at the same address before). It was returned to Amazon. This last time, it was not delivered on the day it was apparently "out for delivery", and there were no more status updates all evening. Out of the blue, it gets marked as delivered/in the mailbox in the middle of the afternoon on the following day. I checked the mailbox... nothing in there.
I called and yelled at some apathetic jerk off, and pretty much accused the carrier of stealing my shit. I was "assured" it would be sorted out.

Awesome.



EDIT: I've had a bigger beard for several years now. I've been hating how it had pretty become the mark of a hipster over the last few years. Almost to the point where I considered greatly reducing its size. Apparently the trend is on the "way out", which sounds like a relief, but I have yet to see this reduction in frequency... Hopefully soon, so I'll feel like less of an unintentional douche for having mine.
« Last Edit: June 17, 2016, 10:53:17 AM by natros »
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Klutz64

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Re: What's the haps?
« Reply #17033 on: June 17, 2016, 10:38:40 AM »
Well, as I said, my life just seems to never let me feel better for more than a moment.

My mother, who had previously told me I could pay down some of my own bills before paying her rent now says I don't have that luxury because she needs help with her own bills. Mind you, she has a six figure job and the only reason she is having problems now is because she hasn't stopped renovating our new house since we bought it last August, including:

- Rewiring (needed)
- New Kitchen (needed)
- New roof (needed)
- New insulation (kind of needed)
- House exterior repainted (not needed)
- New windows (barely needed)
- Raised garden (not needed)
- New shed (not needed)
- lawn care/pest control service (probably not necessary, but this one I'm okay with)
- new deck (needed,  but not nearly as extravagant as she went for)

This is all in the course of 9 months, of COURSE things were going to get tight. I mean, she works hard, so she deserves to have things she wants, but practicality has never been her strong suit.

Tomara

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Re: What's the haps?
« Reply #17034 on: June 17, 2016, 05:01:08 PM »
^I have a lot of those types in my family, my parents included... It did set an example though, as in, how to not do things.

Speaking of finances, I bought myself a new hairbrush. Spent a little over €15 on it, which I think is expensive for a hairbrush. At first I thought I was just being stupid for indulging in something like this, but I love my new brush. I've had it for two weeks now, and my hair is so soft and smooth. And before, brushing was just a thing that needed to be done, but now I enjoy brushing my hair. It's great stress relief. (And fortunately, my hair is stupidly long, meaning there is plenty to brush.)

Aurian

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Re: What's the haps?
« Reply #17035 on: June 17, 2016, 05:10:44 PM »
I need a wonder brush. Mine just makes me fluffy. What's special about yours?

Tomara

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Re: What's the haps?
« Reply #17036 on: June 17, 2016, 05:19:15 PM »
I have a mixed bristle brush with a wooden handle. These supposedly work well for most hair types, but are especially good for long straight hair like mine.

MeshGearFox

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Re: What's the haps?
« Reply #17037 on: June 17, 2016, 05:59:01 PM »
why the hell did I wake up at 12:30 and start ranting about trying to cook my pets ._.

i think I'm done with drinking caffeine after 7PM for awhile.
o/` I do not feel joy o/`
o/` I do not dream o/`
o/` I only stare at the door and smoke o/`

Hathen

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Re: What's the haps?
« Reply #17038 on: June 18, 2016, 11:24:26 AM »
I didn't think it was that bad- we're on the internet, I can quickly find worse things using my Google search bar...or reading the newspaper.

I also read all of your post Kev- thanks a lot for your story, it's pretty big of you to share something so personal.

FWIW Klutz I hope things turn out okay for you. I don't think I've had feelings too dissimilar to yours a while back, but from my own experience it wasn't something anybody could simply talk me out of, no matter how sound their logic was.

If Hathen doesn't mind, though, I'd like to summarize his "filibuster" into one sentence: Don't be individualistic.

I have a bad habit of being too verbose. I try to edit down my essays before I hit post but I'm not that great at it. =P

That's a fair interpretation of what I said, though I guess it spooks me a bit I might have an overly collectivist mindset- might be my more Eastern style upbringing speaking?

Alisha

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Re: What's the haps?
« Reply #17039 on: June 18, 2016, 03:30:31 PM »
so i made a comment on a youtube video saying i was disspointed that theres no option for a female link and i was attacked and called a SJW(i didnt use any kind of of strong or offenive language). people instantly made all these assumptions about me. people were telling me to go back to tumblr when i dont even blog let alone use tumblr as anything other than a source of porn. i'm gonna be blunt i dont like masculinity it repels me but over the last couple years ive tried to lighten up then something like this happens it's like the universe is telling me not to change.

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