Author Topic: Whats the haps?

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Dincrest

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Re: What's the haps?
« Reply #17235 on: July 17, 2016, 01:19:13 PM »
Listen to Jawsh.  His advice is better than anything we could tell ya.  

The only thing I can add is not to let the fact that you haven't had a girlfriend before psychologically browbeat you.  That's easier said than done, I know.  I speak from experience. 

To tell you the truth, I didn't lose my virginity till I was in my 30s.  The culprit was a deadly cocktail of self-esteem issues, body-image issues, and things compounding on each other as age creeps up and you're all like, " Holy shit, I'm XX old and haven't YY yet."  I even wrote a song about that with my old punk band, and it was our most powerful song.  Granted, 2009 is when I made a massive lifestyle change to turn myself into a person I could be proud of, so it's better late than never and I try to look at my negatives as positives.  Like if a girl's going to give me a hard time about not being as experienced as other guys, then I'll know she's not patient and understanding- two qualities that are must-haves in a life partner.
« Last Edit: July 17, 2016, 01:24:10 PM by Dincrest »
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Klutz64

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Re: What's the haps?
« Reply #17236 on: July 17, 2016, 02:06:20 PM »
Of course, the best advice anyone can give on any subject is to never take anyone's advice at face value. What works for one person may not even be an option for someone else.

Dice

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Re: What's the haps?
« Reply #17237 on: July 17, 2016, 03:29:25 PM »
I think the art of getting a date isn't nearly as complicated as being ON one; hell with enough basic attraction you can usually at least score a coffee date. 

After being on what's probably way too many dates (I love it though), I can give advice for THAT part.  So lemme work ahead assuming you've finally got the date.

Dice's Dating ADvice's

I hate all this crap between "chivalry/equality".  I'm at LEAST under one assumption, if you do the asking out you should probably foot the bill; if the other person butts in to do so, that's okay too.  If you want to hold the door open that's just being polite.  Be nice, it doesn't matter, don't read into it, don't make a stink about it.  Anything is okay!

Where to go?  Movies are fine first dates.  Nerves happen, I think a good movie can be a fun way to help initial nerves.  The dinner/coffee date thing is the easiest, but if  you want to be cute, do a dessert-dinner place, those are always fun.  But I think a small and casual get together is sweet for a first date, it puts less pressure on the both of you and makes it a bit more meaningful when you "upgrade" to doing a restaurant date later on.
AVOID NOISY PLACES.  I've hated any interaction where I've flirted with someone at a loud bar or club.

Be friendly.  It's a bit of a turn off when a first date starts talking about money problems or something like religion or politics.  I don't mind a date bringing up an 'ex', but please in light that it's not because you're still holding a torch for an ex or because "that bitch" still makes you mad or because you had a love that burned brighter than the sun.  Be like Elsa and let. it. go.

Don't share opinions as fact unless you're doing it in good humour ("Terroni has THE BEST pizza in Toronto and that's a fact, I really recommend it or if you wanna check it out some time" -- Boom.).  And sure, you can have serious discussions, but for a first date I think than getting too indignant about what you love/hate, keep it light.  But wait, why are you doing all the talking to get to this point anyways?  See my final point.

Be confident.  Honestly a lot of the ideas about how good looking you are won't hold anything against someone who is truly just confident with themselves.  I know that's easier than it sounds.  An easy way to start is just good body language, stand up straight, and look the person talking to you in the eyes; if you're looking away because "you're shy" it'll *still* sends a very different message than you having a simple case of the jitters.  If you have to, look up body language, you'll understand your date better and maybe give off a better impression yourself.  If you want to go deeper down the rabbit hole, don't see it as a date, it's just a "do", you're going out and having a drink with someone, no need to put a label on it for anything other than enjoying some company.

Compliment something.  Most likely your date consciously dressed for the occasion, so pick an item they're wearing, be honest about it, and tell them it looks great on them.  A nice watch on a guy is likely something he may have paid good money for and loves and looks quite smart on them.  Nice shoes on a girl mean you're checking out the entire package and have an eye for something other than what's on her chest (:P).  It reaffirms their purchase, compliments their style, and tells them you're looking at something more than their eyes (so overused) and body (which is a little creepy). 
If you want to be a sap, compliment a person's smile if anything, 99% of the time they'll smile again just because you mentioned it.

I know a lot of people find it 'cool' to to not care for their appearance, whether by choice or as a statement or just because, but a little can go a long way.  Fashion wouldn't be a multi-billion dollar industry if it didn't matter, take at least some care on your personal look and hygiene.  Most of you on this forum are guys, you have it easier than girls do on this front; wear a shirt and pants that fit right and go together, not the first two things you saw when you got up.

Unless you got some funny or cool thing to show off on your phone, don't use it.

On the flip side of things, what happens when there's no chemistry??  This is a tough one, basically it's a dead end.  I believe in the idea that "opposites attract" because I think a similar conversation style and chemistry are way more important than liking the same exact things.  It helps, but it's not the glue that'll keep you two together.  Quite frankly, why would you want to be with someone you can't talk easily with?

BEST FOR LAST.
When on a date, remember to ask questions if you get into a jam about what to talk about next.  This can work as general advice with anyone really, but honest to god this is probably my biggest pet peeve when going out with someone is they expect[?] you to do that leg work when it should be a way more reciprocal thing.  If they ask "what's your favourite place to eat in the city" you better ask them the same thing!!  It's the EASIEST way to keep dialogue going and doubles the length of any conversation; you find more out about your crush and they get a chance to open up to you WHICH IS THE WHOLE POINT, NO?
"Tell me about ____", "What do you like the most about _____", "Did you ever _____". 

As a bonus point: Be smart.  If the date didn't go too hot don't go for a mandatory kiss.  If s/he's not buying what you're selling it's probably not you, it's just a bad match.  Don't dress to the 9s or wear those new shoes you didn't break in yet.  Ask questions, but don't interrogate.  Be confident, but be cool.  It's a tricky balancing act sure, but we would be cartoon parodies of ourselves unless we play that balance up.  Let things happen naturally and read situations as they happen, try not to script it.

If you ever want advice, or if you're at a road block, I'm a people-pleasing Queen if you ever want to message me for advice. :D
« Last Edit: July 17, 2016, 03:46:07 PM by Dice »
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Agent D.

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Re: What's the haps?
« Reply #17238 on: July 17, 2016, 04:56:02 PM »
My advice...

Fuck life, get stronk, destroy the world.

TASTY!

Tomara

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Re: What's the haps?
« Reply #17239 on: July 17, 2016, 04:58:58 PM »
Of course, the best advice anyone can give on any subject is to never take anyone's advice at face value. What works for one person may not even be an option for someone else.

And then there's the fact that there's no approach that's perfect for every girl. Some like being impressed on their first date, while others, like me, just want something simple and low-pressure. Good food is nice, but good food doesn't have to be expensive. Heck, right now, I'd be happy with a long Pokémon Go walk and ice cream (at a nice place where you can sit down).

Quote
Compliment something.  Most likely your date consciously dressed for the occasion, so pick an item they're wearing, be honest about it, and tell them it looks great on them.  A nice watch on a guy is likely something he may have paid good money for and loves and looks quite smart on them.  Nice shoes on a girl mean you're checking out the entire package and have an eye for something other than what's on her chest (:P).  It reaffirms their purchase, compliments their style, and tells them you're looking at something more than their eyes (so overused) and body (which is a little creepy).

Yes! It's so nice when people compliment something other than the obvious!

What I like to add is that you shouldn't make the compliment about yourself. Like, I've heard way too many men tell me things like:

"I love girls with long hair, especially if it goes past their waist, like yours"

Stuff like that gets weird fast, as if the guy is going through this checklist to see how I measure up to his expectations. I mean, of course you're trying to impress the other when you meet for the first time, but you're not trying to pander (or atleast, you shouldn't be).

Does that make sense? It's kind of hard to explain...

Quote
If you want to be a sap, compliment a person's smile if anything, 99% of the time they'll smile again just because you mentioned it.

Yep, that works on me, all right. (Only exception is when people compliment it in a creepy way...) However, I do feel that this is a compliment best saved for later. Like, you've spend some time talking, made eachother laugh and than BAM "You have a great smile, you know that?"


Quote
Fuck life, get stronk, destroy the world.

That typo makes me imagine you just rip this



out of the ground with your bare hands and start smacking everything with it.

Edit: no, wait now I'm thinking this



is your weapon of choice. At the very least, you'll strike fear in the hearts of all those people who never learned to eat their veggies.

Edit: ... there's two of them in the picture. You could dual wield.
« Last Edit: July 17, 2016, 05:05:27 PM by Tomara »

Artimicia

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Re: What's the haps?
« Reply #17240 on: July 17, 2016, 05:30:15 PM »
Ahhh dating.... yeah I think people here have pretty good tips yeah?

I don't feel qualified though.. I'm not even sure if I'm monogamous when people say "My SO" or "My boyfriend/girlfriend" I might feel kind of weird and sort of out of place.

All the "Polyamorous" people I've encountered though I haven't really fit in with so well though necessarily either, so yeah.... I got nothing.=P It's even more unusual to me to be honest than the fact that I might have a kinky side which is a lot more common in Geeky circles than I ever imagined.

However, I guess I would say one thing that at least feels like it sort of pointed me in a better direction is to say a lot of things are just about connection, like I've met people and will have a really good connection out of nowhere or a pretty bad connection out of nowhere. A lot of this sort of thing has sometimes less to do with you and whether you are inherently attractive or desirable (because you are) and just whether you find people that seem to like you for what you are and all that cheesy stuff.

I think a lot of people just have really clear images/preconceived notions about what they want, and invest huge energy in maintaining those things, so by the time your adorkable shambling self arrives on the scene, it's not a referendum on the desirability of you personally it's just they aren't going to adjust this huge preconceived thing to include you (or anyone else for that matter)

Another thing is would always say trust your brain and heart over everything. If something tells you "Hey this doesn't seem to be working out," then just go with it, even if you don't understand the reason why.

Conversely, if you sort of feel weird but your brain says "stick with it" once again just go with it, even if you don't understand the reason why at the time.

Also yeah like Tomara I love ice cream. 


« Last Edit: July 17, 2016, 05:49:43 PM by Artimicia »
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Kevadu

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Re: What's the haps?
« Reply #17241 on: July 17, 2016, 09:07:39 PM »
Oddly enough I feel like I generally do fine on first dates.  There's a certain ritual to them that you just have to follow.  Talk about what you do, what your hobbies are, the heat death of the universe, yadda yadda.  Throw in a few compliments, jokes, and make sure to ask questions yourself (that is genuinely good advice) and you'll do fine.

It's after that where I run into problems.

Did you know that after a date most women expect you to contact them again?  Like, in under 2 weeks?  Hell, some of them even want to talk everyday.  I have no idea what they even talk about but apparently that's a real thing.  Personally I've yet to meet a person (of any gender) I would actually want to talk to everyday.  Most people just aren't that interesting.  I thinking coming into contact about once every two weeks is about my limit.

In conclusion, misanthropes might be poorly suited to dating.

Dice

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Re: What's the haps?
« Reply #17242 on: July 17, 2016, 09:39:22 PM »
Did you know that after a date most women expect you to contact them again?  Like, in under 2 weeks?  Hell, some of them even want to talk everyday.  I have no idea what they even talk about but apparently that's a real thing.  Personally I've yet to meet a person (of any gender) I would actually want to talk to everyday.  Most people just aren't that interesting.  I thinking coming into contact about once every two weeks is about my limit.

A friend of our family was in a long-long-term relationship with her boyfriend (she was in her 40s) just because she was sort of just that kind of 'lone wolf' too.  It happens.  I have some particular views on dating/relationships too that I'm sure are out of the norm.
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Re: What's the haps?
« Reply #17243 on: July 18, 2016, 02:39:04 AM »
ya so I burned my hand making coffee cause I like overshot the french press with the hot water and hit my hand instead.

it was an adequate experience
o/` I do not feel joy o/`
o/` I do not dream o/`
o/` I only stare at the door and smoke o/`

Ranadiel

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Re: What's the haps?
« Reply #17244 on: July 18, 2016, 06:56:47 AM »
Alright so my mood has leveled off now after a day. Wouldn't say I am in a great mood, but I'll recover. Don't know if or when I am going to give this whole online dating thing another try though.

Probably easier said than done, but: create opportunities?

Like, take some classes, join a club...
Eh, I enjoy my hermit lifestyle for the most part. :p (And I recognize that could be part of the problem).

Your profile: BE HONEST!  It's really tempting to lie your ass off and try to make yourself sound better than you actually are.  DON'T DO IT! You want prospective mates to like you, not who you're pretending to be.
Ha, like I'm even capable of telling a lie.

Be prepared to get rejected A LOT.  Don't get too butthurt about that pretty girl not returning your painstakingly written message.  There are literally 1000's more perfectly wonderful people to take her place.
Eh, while I recognize this one mentally, I just don't think I am wired to be able to do this.

My advice...

Fuck life, get stronk, destroy the world.
Eh I was thinking of killing God instead. Although I suppose that could have the side effect of destroying the world? :p

Rucks

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Re: What's the haps?
« Reply #17245 on: July 18, 2016, 09:14:05 AM »
ya so I burned my hand making coffee cause I like overshot the french press with the hot water and hit my hand instead.

it was an adequate experience

at 3 in the morning>?

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Starmongoose

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Re: What's the haps?
« Reply #17246 on: July 18, 2016, 09:24:10 AM »
ya so I burned my hand making coffee cause I like overshot the french press with the hot water and hit my hand instead.

it was an adequate experience

at 3 in the morning>?

You say that as if that isn't prime coffee and absinthe hours for Mesh.


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EmeraldSword

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Re: What's the haps?
« Reply #17247 on: July 18, 2016, 01:14:13 PM »
My one advice, Ranadiel, would be to work on your hermit lifestyle. It's not bad at all to have alone time to just chillax. I believe if you pursue diverse hobbies that add to your lifestyle will help build your overall confidence level. Having various interests also helps as conversational filler. I think that having more life experiences makes it easier to relate to others in general and not just in a romantic way. For example, I've traveled the world and been to many countries, so often I can relate to others about another culture, food, landmarks and experiences we have shared similarly. I have not tried internet dating so I can't give you advice there... I forgot where I read recently, but a similar news story states that most people meet their significant other through a mutual friend vs. work or online dating. https://mic.com/articles/112062/the-way-most-people-meet-their-significant-others-is-not-what-you-think#.zXPkfzoSn. That article actually mentions the frustration you spoke of from the romantic pressure of OkCupid and meeting the expectations of others. As always, your millage may vary.

MeshGearFox

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Re: What's the haps?
« Reply #17248 on: July 18, 2016, 02:01:19 PM »
ya so I burned my hand making coffee cause I like overshot the french press with the hot water and hit my hand instead.

it was an adequate experience

at 3 in the morning>?

You say that as if that isn't prime coffee and absinthe hours for Mesh.

fwiw the burning happened around noon, I just forgot about it by binge Fallouting to take my mind off of it and only remembered when, upon gingerly brushing the backs of my ring and index figure against some rough husk of one of the many fine fruits adorning my apartment, was immediately revisited by the MULLIGAN I touched something on my desk and it was like gosh howdy that still hurts.

and fwwiw never have I ever /drank/ absinthe but now I'm hungry for the Vivaldi-inspired absinthe ice cream that Jeni's has rarely.
o/` I do not feel joy o/`
o/` I do not dream o/`
o/` I only stare at the door and smoke o/`

Arvis

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Re: What's the haps?
« Reply #17249 on: July 18, 2016, 02:08:17 PM »
ya so I burned my hand making coffee cause I like overshot the french press with the hot water and hit my hand instead.

it was an adequate experience

at 3 in the morning>?

You say that as if that isn't prime coffee and absinthe hours for Mesh.

fwiw the burning happened around noon, I just forgot about it by binge Fallouting to take my mind off of it and only remembered when, upon gingerly brushing the backs of my ring and index figure against some rough husk of one of the many fine fruits adorning my apartment, was immediately revisited by the MULLIGAN I touched something on my desk and it was like gosh howdy that still hurts.

and fwwiw never have I ever /drank/ absinthe but now I'm hungry for the Vivaldi-inspired absinthe ice cream that Jeni's has rarely.

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