I think some of my depression in life is now affecting my gym performance. Yesterday, I tried 315 on the bench, even though I didn't really feel it. Sure enough, I got it off the bar, down to about 4 inches above my chest, and almsot spazzed as my right arm couldn't hold the weight. Luckily I got it off to the bottom rack of the bench, circumventing a decapitation. I was not pleased at all, and the rest of the workout suffered further... everything was lower numbers, less reps, and it upset me. I pushed twice as hard as I normally would just to get through my workout, and all I could think was I am a loser.
D is not pleased.
What the hell is your problem?
Just remember you asked.
Short version, my dad's slowly dying from literally body failure, and 8 years of working for him has made me sort of....not believe in my own skill set. Work's been tight lately, only small jobs here and there, and a lot of bullshit in between. Money's lacking due to assholes delaying checks. A personal problem that's been on and off for a while has once again struck me and is worse this time than it's been in years and I really don't need to go to a doctor and be told something drastic that's gonna cost money or worse keep me on the injured list for the next few months.
The big kick is my dad's shoulder has been really acting up lately. He got a shot of cortizone the other day with almost no effect, and he's almost constantly in pain. It's really throwing me off my game. I always stay up late to make sure he doesn't need anything, which results in me constantly being cranky from lack of sleep. I also am getting stuck being essentially a housemaid, havinv to clean up after him constantly now, and being nervous when I go out in case he's in need of something or he's slips and gets hurt...I lost my kom a few years back, don't really wanna lose my old man just yet.
It boils down to...
I wanna go off on my own and do my own thing, but am afraid of what's gonna happen to my dad and my sisters, who still rely heavily on "Bank of Daddy" which is funded by my backside.
I wanna stay here still and try to keep daddy dearest comfortable and make his day to day dealings easier, but that results in a literal dead end in however many years he may have left, as I'll be left with whatever debts (monetary and job related) he has left, and nothing to show for it. I'm 27 years old, I should be fucking deciding about starting my own family soon, not playing hospis at home...however it's my dad, my only remaining parent.
Even typing this is depressing the shit out of me, feels like a fucking cow sitting on my chest. I don't even get angry about it anymore, which used to help me deal with the stress of it, now I'm just always upset about it.