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CastNuri
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« on: August 02, 2011, 01:07:56 PM »

Hola! I was flipping through the "whats haps" thread and reading the posts about hospitals. Thought I would post a poem I wrote that is (kind of) relevant. I write a lot of poetry but don't post many of them online anymore but I think I need some critique! Or any comments will do, really. :)


The Waiting Room


This must be the smell of blood
clean and crimson blood

my tiny comrades
are crying:
shrill

we all know the secret
the clock, its face
clinical- white:
whispers

oh, we know.

On my side I burn
my core is cold
my hide is fire
that smell

that bitter fog of blood
whose blood?
then it is certain

I will die.
I will suffer.
I will die.

the face clicks its tongue
tsk, tsk, tsk
clear- hard

over piercing terror
it knows our fear,
and we know its reproach

but her hand is on my head
cool and wonderful
and full of hope,
my hope

a name is called, twice
someone leaves us
my eyes close

in me there is Death
he fills the void, he floods it
no stranger here, no friend
passing to some End

I wait.



- Nur Talib -
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Yoda
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« Reply #1 on: August 02, 2011, 01:47:59 PM »

I don't read poetry but I liked that.
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Azrael
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« Reply #2 on: August 02, 2011, 01:53:48 PM »

I don't think I'm that great with poetry, but I read it and think I need to sit on it some more, reread it a few times. There are definitely things that struck me, but I will come back and reply later with something more substantial to say.
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Vanguard
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« Reply #3 on: August 02, 2011, 03:34:23 PM »

A few things. Change the title. Even though it lets us know EXACTLY where you are, I think this works against the reader. It makes the opening line a lot stronger and not so obviously hospital-y. I would also cut a lot of the "explaining" that happens in this poem. It's strongest parts are in the fragments. This is just one possible revision:

This must be the smell of blood

my tiny comrades
are crying

we know the secret
the clock, its face
clinical white
clicks its tongue

her hand is on my head
a name is called

I wait, a stranger.
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Azrael
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« Reply #4 on: August 02, 2011, 08:48:39 PM »

Okay, after sitting on it, I'm just going to ask some questions and make some comments.

The first part, I thought it was interesting you mention the smell of blood, but then describe its look, was there any reason for this?

What were you trying to do with the structure? It's incredibly choppy, which definitely fits the tone of the poem, but I do feel the length kind of ruins the feeling I got while starting out.

I also kind of disagree with Vanguard about the title, only because I think there is some level of vagueness to it, and I wonder if that's your intention. For instance, it strongly hints at a hospital waiting room, but it also feels like the waiting room could be anywhere, just some room where a person waits on death. Perhaps it can be implied in the poem itself without that title, but I think the title may help a little bit.

Okay, that's all I got for now.
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CastNuri
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« Reply #5 on: August 03, 2011, 11:03:30 AM »

The first part, I thought it was interesting you mention the smell of blood, but then describe its look, was there any reason for this?

I wanted a visual with the smell; but the more I look at it, the more I feel that the smell alone is enough to start it on the ominous note that I was looking for.

The poem is still a first draft and I am looking to cut it down, though maybe not as short as your suggested version, Vanguard. The "choppy" structure sounds repetitive and annoying at this length.

Not sure what to do with the title. When I start a poem, I write down a phrase at the top of the page or document (so that I know what I was going for if I'm called away mid-poem). In this case it was "Waiting Room". Whether I end up using this doesn't bother me much- it depends heavily on the final draft.

Thanks for your opinions guys! I'll post a future version of this poem up later- and maybe some other poems, if that's okay. :)
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Vanguard
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« Reply #6 on: August 03, 2011, 12:09:54 PM »

I disagree about the choppy structure being annoying, but I also prefer disjunction over more narrative stuff. For longer poems, however, I always find that longer line lengths, or at least more variation, is better. I think you should play with line length to get different contours of feeling. As it is, you're version or mine, there is a certain range of voice which I believe should be expanded.
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CastNuri
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« Reply #7 on: August 03, 2011, 12:28:24 PM »

Thanks, Vanguard. :)

Something more light-hearted now! Don't need much critique on this; I just want to share something that rhymes (and won't remind anyone of hospitals):

Alleyways


Life happens
In alleyways

the in-between
the barely seen
the narrow space twixt red walls, bricked

where not quite lovers meet
splintered dreams
beneath their feet.

This crevice of the city
aflood with human pity
concealing only
what we dare
to reveal

here our shadows breathe
(they dance)
here our crimes are thrown to chance
to revel in our secret shame
to bear the sin
(and cast the blame)

while safe on streets you pass them by
while at the corner of your eye

life happens.


- Nur Talib -
« Last Edit: August 04, 2011, 12:03:29 PM by CastNuri » Logged

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darcthelad
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« Reply #8 on: August 04, 2011, 11:45:59 AM »

I like both :) , and I agree with Vanguard's advice for the first one. Perhaps a vague title that's not-too-different like just "Waiting" would suffice.
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Starmongoose
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« Reply #9 on: August 28, 2011, 07:34:12 PM »

Late to the party I know, but I just wanna say I like your stuff. :) And the name doesn't matter really, it's like all those pretentious names hipster artists give to their sculptures, let the body of the work speak for itself.
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CastNuri
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« Reply #10 on: August 28, 2011, 10:10:52 PM »

Thanks, guys! I'm glad you liked 'em both. :)

I'll put up the reworked version of the first one when I'm done tinkering, I appreciate your input.
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CastNuri
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« Reply #11 on: January 10, 2012, 02:52:16 PM »

Never got around to posting the reworked version of that first one (it's dozing) but I thought I'd share this cutesy thing I wrote on my Tumblr:

Sociopath and the Child

Been meaning to share more writing online but I'm pretty terrible with updates! Hopefully I'll keep the tumblr thing going for a while. :P

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Dice
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« Reply #12 on: January 12, 2012, 11:29:36 PM »

Nice to see some honest poetry both here and from someone I [sorta] know.  Last I remember was in highschool and my girlfriend's attempt at it, basic:  you leave me cold and alone, all this love I could have shown.

I liked this. :)
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