Chrono Cross

By Weiila [ 02-13-02 ]

Author's Note

I am terribly bored and out of ideas... that's it!


Bored beyond compare

Gaspar just stood there in the lamplight, snoring and having that little bubble from his nose blow up and shrink as he breathed. Ayla yawned. Frog yawned. Marle yawned. Even Magus yawned.

"Boooring!" Marle suddenly exclaimed. "Haven't they found that stupid Rainbow Shell yet?"

"Me hope so." Ayla grumpily said. "Biiig yawn here."

It was only a half of an hour ago that Crono, Robo and Lucca had left in search for the big shell, but the abandoned ones were already fed up with waiting for the result.

"Hey," Ayla said, "we fight Spekkio a bit?"

Ayla and Marle looked at each other and then shook their heads.

"Nah," the princess said, "either he'll kick our butts or we'll win some more tabs. It's just as boring. Hey, you two!"

Magus and Frog looked up.

"Dost thou mean myself and this half-blood, so to put the words, vampire, my young lady comrade?" Frog asked.

"Who else? Old Man Time?"

Marle waved at Gaspar, who still slept.

"What do you want?" Magus asked, not very interested at all.

"Why don't you to have a fight?" Marle suggested. "There's nothing funnier than to hear you two curse at each other."

Magus and Frog exchanged glances.

"Nay, I canst not think of anything more to name thee," the knight said.

"Me neither." Magus said. "I called you 'a half-breed between a goblin and Ozzie's last girlfriend' last time we fought. I'm running out of ideas."

There was a silence while everybody tried to figure out who'd be stupid enough to date Ozzie.

"I know I'll regret this, but...?" Marle finally said.

Magus shook his head and pulled a rare face of disgust. "Flea," he said.

"But Flea is a transve... eughh!" The other three heroes of time moaned.

"Yes, indeed."

"Thou begin to sound like Slash," Frog said.

"That's because I spent about ten years growing up with him. No questions asked, thank you."

"I, for one, won't ask." Marle shuddered.

"Ayla neither. Ughh..."

Magus wrapped his blood-red cloak around himself, grumbling:

"I am getting very irritated because of all this waiting. We could have been fighting Lavos now if it weren't for your pathetic weakness!"

"What the prince is trying to say," Gaspar yawned, "is that he is getting terribly bored."

"You know me well." Magus snorted.

"Poor man...." Frog mumbled.

"Now what did you say?" The dark wizard snarled.

"I sent poor Sir Gaspar my compassion due to his torment of knowing thee, you snail hatched from darkness itself!"

Marle jumped up and down, smiling widely.

"Come on, come on!" She cheered, "Fight, fight, fight! Anything to stop this dullness!"

"Yeah! Fight fun!" Ayla howled.

"'Snail hatched from darkness itself'?" Magus snorted. "That's the lousiest insult I've ever heard!"

"Think of something better thyself, then!" The knight growled.

"If I were you, I'd think of something like 'something a black tyrano spit up after chewing on it for a week', or 'Lavos' finest minion', or maybe even 'what imps scorn to have for dinner', you stupid amphibian!"

"'Stupid amphibian'?" Frog said with a sneer, "Thou canst do better than that, O minion of Lavos! Thou could name me 'Cyrus, so-called-comrade, yet in reality that small man he just brought along to seem more like a hero himself,' or thou could give me the title of 'pathetic little green dwarf'."

"Come on, I came up with three things," Magus said. "You have to think of something more, you green dwarf!"

"What dost thou sayeth about 'green, king-sized louse'?"

Magus nodded.

"That's good," he admitted, then suddenly smacked his own forehead. "Damn, this is ridiculous! We're starting to insult ourselves!"

"Ayla think funny!" The cave-woman grinned.

"Speak for yourself, striptease-girl."

"Me think blue-in-need-of-wash-hair better say 'idiotic girl who's only excuse is that she is a Neanderthal-woman'."

"All right, then, I'll keep that in... now cut it out!" Magus shuddered and tore up his wrapped cloak with a dramatic gesture of his hand, then waved it wildly with both his arms. "This is idiotic!" he exclaimed. "We're telling everyone else how they should insult us! And I thought that growing up as a human child among monsters was screwed up...."

But nobody cared about him.

"What should we call thee, Marle?" Frog asked, intrigued.

Marle scratched her head, frowning and thinking hard.

"How about 'a stupid little girl who fell in love with a silly, mute hero-wannabe', or simply 'a slow-thinking blondie'."

"Good ones," Frog said. "Dost thou have thy notepad, Magus?"

There was the sound of a pencil over paper.

"Sure," Magus murmured, "let's see, 'hero-wannabe....'"

His head snapped up, and he glared at his companions, making the notebook and the pencil dissolve in his hands.

"I was ironical." He growled.

"Sure...." The others smiled.

"Leave me out of this," Gaspar said. "I was never good with insulting anyone, not even myself."

"'Old Man Time' works fine, anyhow, dost it not?" Frog smiled.

"It's sufficient."

"For God's sake!" Magus moaned. "I think I'm going crazy... I've never experienced this width of stupidity before."

He was quiet for a moment. Everyone patiently awaited what they hoped was yet another flood of tasty insults.

"No wait..." the warlock finally said, "Cyrus' desperate assault that day, when I killed him and turned Frog into a green dwarf, was even more stupid. He knew he had no chance of winning...."

"Hold thy tongue!" Frog snarled. "He was an honorable man!"

"I thought you just said he brought you along just to...." Marle began, but became silent as Magus gave her a warning glare.

"He was an idiot, he knew he had no chance." The warlock sneered.

Everybody were sure that Frog would draw the Masamune and charge, but instead he smirked and said:

"That was what thou should have known as well when thou attacked Lavos in the Ocean Palace, thou excuse for a powerful wizard!"

Magus' eyes began to glow alarmingly, and his lips drew back to unveil almost all of his white teeth. "Would thou repeateth that, wielder of a rusty sword?" He snarled.

"I'll gladly call you an excuse for a powerful wizard as many times as you wish, you idiot!" Frog snapped.

They stared at each other, jaws dropped. Gaspar, Ayla and Marle also stared stupidly at the warlock and the knight.

"Blast it." Frog moaned. "Now I'm starting to talk like you!"

"Speaketh for thyself, thou art not the one with the accursed old-English dialect!"

"Who's the script-writer?" Frog snarled. "I will cut him in half for this!"

"I think it's a woman, actually,..." Ayla said.

"Yeah!" Marle yelled. "Me think so, too! Oh no, now me and Ayla also screw up!"

Magus stared at the never-ending, dusky sky in the End of Time.

"Hear ye, hear ye!" He growled. "If thou dost not mend this wrong immediately, lady, I will chant a spell to turneth thee into a smoking heap of dust!"

Nobody moved for a moment.

"Dost thou believeth it worked?" Frog finally said.

"Yahoo!" Everyone cheered.

But after the celebration over freedom ceased, dullness returned.

"'Back to bore, back to reality',..." Marle lazily sang.

"Can not anyone think of something a little funny?" Ayla sighed.

Magus slowly looked up and smiled coldly. "A little fun?" He grinned.

Frog gave a moan and put his small hands over his eyes, hardly able to cover the bulbs.

"Great idea, Ayla," Magus said and raised his hands.

Crono, Lucca and Robo entered the End of Time, leaving Epoch behind.

"We've got the shell!" The scientist cheered. "And now we only have to go to 1000 AD and ask Melchior to... what in the name of Albert Einstein has happened here?!?"

"His Highness and the other three heroes got terribly bored, I'm afraid," a man-sized goat with human hands and Gaspar's hat on one of the horns explained.

"Look, me can flyyy!" Ayla howled and flapped with her enormous goose-wings, stretching her long neck to peck on Robo's head.

"This is not so bad at all!" a three-foot-tall frog dressed in Marle's clothes yelled, jumping so high she could touch the top of the tall lamp in the middle of the room.

"I thinketh that Magus hast got a sick sense of humor," something furry, apparently Frog, said and stretched its body to surprising length, "but at least I'm not slimy anymore."

The three non-bewitched heroes watched in amaze as the big, tiger-striped and cloaked cat sat down and started licking his whiskers. Crono finally pulled himself together.

"Where is that wizard?!" he yelled. "I'll kill him personally!"

"Should thou not be mute, my friend?" Fr... Cat pointed out.

"Now is not the moment for that!" Crono snapped. "WHERE IS MAGUS!?"

Cat yawned and pointed at a dark corner of the room. Crono, Lucca and Robo gasped in surprised fear and stared at the Thing.

"I admit, I was really bored." The Thing sneered with Magus' voice.

His lips, if you could name them that, moved away as he spoke, showing two lines of dagger-like teeth and a thin, sharp tongue.

"Err..." Robo said, "trying to identify species... beep, beep, beep, gulp..."

Two black claw-hands hit the floor as Magus stretched his dark body. Then he stood up, and, firstly, the three amazed heroes thought that it was his cloak which fell, held up by his arms. Then they realized that it was a pair of black wings, attached to the arms.

"I guess I should not have called him a 'half-blood vampire'." Cat sighed and rolled his eyes.

"Identification complete." Robo murmured, "The analyzed being is a bat."

"No, no," Magus said, "I am a vampire-bat."

"Upgrading information... beep, gulp, beep...."

"Please don't tell me you're hungry...." Lucca whimpered.

"No," Magus smiled, "but I'm still not done with my project here. You know what, Lucca, I always thought you were a little fishy...."

"We have a quest to take care of!" the scientist said, nervously.

"That can wait for a moment," the monster-bat said. "Right now we're having fun."

"Come on, you can't turn me into a fish!" Lucca said. "There's no water here!"

Magus nodded, thoughtfully.

"I stand corrected. Let's see, Robo could be a... gorilla."

"Hey!" the robot exclaimed.

"What's wrong with that?" Magus said, "Gorillas and humans are related."

"Oh. All right, then." Robo nodded.

Magus thoughtfully looked at Lucca.

"Since you and the tin-man like each other so much, I suppose you should match him. A monkey, maybe... yes, that's it."

"So what will I be?" Crono asked.

Magus rubbed what probably was his cheek.

"According to your hair," he slowly said, "I'll make you a hedgehog."

He raised his claw-hands and began chanting.

I'll end this thing right here for the safety of the human race....


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