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So Good, It's SPAM!
Tuesday, April 1, 2003

Yeah so, today I'm going to pay a lovely tribute to our favorite type of e-mail - gee, guess which kind and maybe you'll get a cookie! Sadly, I don't get as much interesting ones as some people I know do, farm animal porn with the most broken English EVAR coming to mind.

I wonder if I ever replied to any of these e-mails, and spoke some random gibberish or AOLspeak, if I'd get a response. Or better yet, reply to one of these 'URGENT & CONFIDENTIAL' e-mails with fake info and see what kind of reply I get. :P

I know this is less of an April Fool's joke than it is just something different to do. Okay, I guess it's still a joke, since you guys probably anticipated real letters today. Anyone remember last year's update which consisted of all of one letter? Yeah, that was awesome too, but I can't do the same thing two years in a row.

Anyway, due to the lack of having much else to say.. happy April Fool's.

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E-mail Daniel, unless you're a scammer from Nigeria.
 
 
I'm sure KoF Online writes this well too.

King Of Fighters is one of the greatest action game ever made. Now after the mind boggling sucess of KOF 2001 SNK proudly presents to you KOF 2002 with 4 new charecters.

Even though we need no publicity for our product but this time we have decided to give away a fully functional trial version of KOF 2002. So check out the attached trial version of KOF 2002 and register at our official website to get a free copy of KOF2002 original version

Best Regards,
Admin,KOF ONLINE..

...Too bad it was an .exe file. DARN.

Wow, I don't recall being a part of the KoF fan club. Oh wait, I never was. I played KoF a grand total of once and kicked Mike's ass too. Needless to say he didn't like that. Not that it matters... Soul Calibur is so obviously superior. I mean, it has Inferno, OMG! (More seriously though, I usually like playing Seung Mina.) I can't wait for II to come out...

Oh wait, this was about King of Fighters or something wasn't it? Gee, maybe I'll use my PC and try out this trial version! *cough*

 
xrhgi lj jghkhyt lkj ihg?

Canada Discount Medication vaeixcm fwv

biylb nmz tnh zzu ycqpttmvma pcuff

Canada Drug Prices qovrlnh ktkl kta

uw vosds wwagv shta rawmgx z giseaaxihnbej

What, this isn't Canada speak... there's no 'eh'.
 
It's all about the drugs.

We offer the lowest prices on the most popular FDA approved prescription medications including VIAGRA.

Safe, discreet, convenient online physician consultation. 24 Hour product delivery available in all 50 states as well as overseas.

If you haven't tried VIAGRA yet, now is the time. We have just reduced prices on the drug that has helped men and couples worldwide realize their true sexual potential.

New to ReliableRX:

Don't spend another day fighting the battle alone. Join the millions of men and women who have discovered the ease of weight loss with LOW COST PRESCRIPTIONS available at ReliableRX.

Now, this kind of e-mail I get (no lie) about five times a day. At least they didn't say 'all 51 states', as I've seen so many times before.

You know what ELSE increases sexual performance? Porn, adult stores... and really strange fetishes. Okay, moving on.

 
I don't need a bigger penis, just a bigger strap-on.

What do women secretly say behind their lovers back?

67% of women say they're unhappy with their lover's penis size.

The Max-Girth Penis Enlargement System is the easiest and quickest doctor-recommended way to add 2ØFFFF94, 3ØFFFF94, even 5ØFFFF94 of pure manhood to satisfy like never before!

#1 DOCTOR RECOMMENDED PENIS ENLARGEMENT FORMULA

SPECIAL FREE OFFER FOR MAX-GIRTH - CLICK HERE

In just a few short weeks, you'll watch with amazement as your penis grows into the biggest, thickest, hardest tool imaginable ØFFFF96 the one youØFFFF92ve always fantasized about having! No penis enlargement system is faster, easier to use, or more effective than Max-Girth ØFFFF96 GUARANTEED!

Be in control of your sexual destiny!!!1111

Wow... someone doesn't know how to format their e-mails.

Why the heck do I get all the spam geared at guys? Is it because I play games and write for a gaming website, thus I must be a guy in disguise or something? Or maybe the Roy avatar confuses people. Not that I need to think of him or any male RPG character on Viagra, thanks...

Ah well, at least I didn't get the ones that offer to make my supposed penis big enough to use as a weapon. :P

 
I'm immortal.

Lose weight while building lean muscle and reversing the signs of aging all at once.

You've heard of "Age Reversal" with HGH?

Let's see, do I really want to reverse my age, which is currently 22, and become a teenager? Or worse, go back to my early teen/preteen years, when I was a complete tard? Hmm, no thanks. I have that stupid Asian curse of looking way too young as it is, I don't need to look underage forever.
Did you know that all HGH products are not the same?

There are three different types of products. Yet, all three are advertised as if they where the same.

The three types are:

* Homeopathic HGH
* Pre-cursor HGH
* Real or synthetic HGH (delivered by injection or, by an oral spray method)

Do you know differences?

Call us and we'll explain them to you.

LET YESTERDAYS BODY REAPPEAR!

I had yesterday's body today. Minus that massive headache...
For more information on HGH read on............

HAVE YOU HEARD OF HUMAN GROWTH HORMONE (HGH)???

Released by your own pituitary gland, HGH starts declining in your 20s, even more in your 30s and 40s, eventually resulting in the shrinkage of major organs -- plus, all other symptoms related to old age.

IN THOUSANDS OF CLINICAL STUDIES, HGH HAS BEEN SHOWN TO ACCOMPLISH THE FOLLOWING:

* Reduce Body Fat and Build Lean Muscle WITHOUT EXERCISE!

* Enhance Sexual Performance

* Remove Wrinkles and Cellulite

* Lower Blood Pressure and Improve Cholesterol Profile

* Improve Sleep, Vision and Memory

* Restore Hair Color and Growth

* Strengthen the Immune System

* Increase Energy and Cardiac Output

* Turn back your body's Biological Time Clock 10 - 20 years

* Live Longer AND Stronger

You know, you can do all or most of these things naturally anyway, if you use the right, more natural methods.
All natural and organic plant based

FEEL 10 YEARS YOUNGER WITH ORAL SPRAY HGH. GUARANTEED

...Feel twelve years old? Oh hell no thanks.
We are the manufacturer and we sell directly to Doctors, Chiropractors, and consumers world wide the highest grade HGH Oral Spray available.

With internet marketing, we are able to save advertising cost and pass those savings along to you. But you must act now.

We must speak to you in person to qualify your usage.

Yeah, right. You guys would probably tell me to fly to Puerto Rico or something.
All of your questions will be addressed and answered in a friendly, no pressure manner.

Our main purpose is to provide you with information so you can make an educated decision.

If you are on line write down our phone number and call us when you can.

If you are international, call your long distance operator and ask to be connected to our phone number. We will call you back and pay for the long distance charges.

Soon, you and your loved ones will be very glad you did.

Read what people are saying:

"The effects of 6 months of GH on lean body mass and fat were equivalent in magnitude to the changes incurred during 10-20 years of aging."
Dr. Daniel Rudman, MD, New England Journal of Medicine.

"Within four months, my body fat decreased form 30% down to 21%! I noticed my skin is more supple and my overall mental outlook improved significantly."
D.W., New Jersey

"We have been on the spray for just 3 weeks now, and besides the tremendous energy we both feel, my husbands allergies and spells of depression have lifted. I am healing extremely fast after an accident and have lost 7 lbs. without trying!"
C.B., Flagstaff. AZ

Thanks for reading our letter,
The HGH Staff
USA Division

(Man, these e-mails always seem to sneak in a line about sexual performance somewhere. LOW COST INK CARTRIDGE! PRINT OFF MORE PORN! INCREASE...well, you get the picture.)
 
Aw, and here I thought this was a marriage proposal.

You may be surprised to receive this letter from me since you do not know me personally. I am Sodindo Malinga, the first son of Tawanda Malinga,the most popular black farmer in Zimbabwe who was murdered in the land dispute in my country. I got your contact through network online hence decided to write you. Before the death of my father, he had taken me to Johannesburg to deposit the sum of US8.6 million (Eight million, Six Hundred thousand United States dollars), in one of the private security company, as he foresaw the looming danger in Zimbabwe this money was deposited in a box as gem stones to avoid much demurrage from security company. This amount was meant for the purchase of new machines and chemicals for the Farms and establishment of new farms in Swaziland.

This land problem came when Zimbabwean President Mr. Robert Mugabe introduced a new Land Act Reform wholly affecting the rich white farmers and some few black farmers, and this resulted to the killing and mob action by Zimbabwean war veterans and some lunatics in the society. In fact a lot of people were killed because of this Land reform Act for which my father was one of the victims.

It is against this background that, I and my family fled Zimbabwe for fear of our lives and are currently staying in the Netherlands where we are seeking political asylum and moreso have decided to transfer my fatherÕs money to a more reliable foreign account. since the law of Netherlands prohibits a refugee (asylum seeker) to open any bank account or to be involved in any financial transaction throughout the territorial zone of Netherlands, As the eldest son of my father, I am saddled with the responsibility of seeking a genuine foreign account where this money could be transferred without the knowledge of my government who are bent on taking everything we have got. The South African government seems to be playing along with them.

I am faced with the dilemma of moving this amount of money out of South Africa for fear of going through the same experience in future, both countries have similar political history. As a businessman, I am seeking for a partner who I have to entrust my future and that of my family in his hands, I must let you know that this transaction is risk free. If you accept to assist me and my family, all I want you to do for me, is to make an arrangements with the security company to clear the consignment(funds) from their afiliate office here in the Netherlands as i have already given directives for the consignment to be brought to the Netherlands from South Africa.But before then all modalities will have to be put in place like change of ownership to the consignment and more importantly this money I intend to use for investmentment.

I have two options for you. Firstly you can choose to have certain percentage of the money for nominating your account for this transaction. Or you can go into partnership with me for the proper profitable investment of the money in your country. Whichever the option you want, feel free to notify me. I have also mapped out 5% of this money for all kinds of expenses incurred in the process of this transaction. If you do not prefer a partnership I am willing to give you 20% of the money while the remaining 75% will be for my investment in your country. Contact me with the above telephone number or my E-mail address while I implore you to maintain the absolute secrecy required in this transaction.

Thanks, GOD BLESS YOU

Yours Faithfully,
Sodindo Malinga.

Welp, I tried to find one of these e-mails in more broken English, but it seems that they were more common when they first started going around... I guess being online improved their English.

Crap, this was supposed to be private and confidential, wasn't it? OOPS. Make me a bigger offer... I've gotten e-mails that deal with bigger amounts and bigger cuts for me. Sorry, but you have to do better. Oh yeah, and I'd like a beach house in Malibu, while you're at it, kthx.

I'm still waiting on an e-mail from someone who fled Iraq, or something. :P

Well, I hate to pass up such a great offer, but I have more of a chance of winning $25 million CDN this Friday.

 
These, folks, are real porn link descriptions.

THAT COOTER'S SO BALD, IT LOOKS LIKE A BOWLING BALL AFTER A GOOD POLISHING
I'd love to throw a bowling ball at people who send out porn like this.
TEENS DOING TEENS WITH TOYS AND KITCHEN UTENSILS
Please tell me you refrained from knives and electric egg beaters.
JENNA JAMESON GETS STUFFED LIKE THE THANKSGIVING TURKEY.....BY JOHN HOLMES
I'm afraid to know how stuffed that is...
JERRY AND KRAMER TAG - TEAM ELAINE
Dude, that's nasty. Not to mention I was never a Seinfeld fan.
YOUR RIPPING ME A NEW ONE.......OWWOOOOWWW IT FEELS SO GOOD IT LOOKS SO PAINFUL
I'm going to rip one of these people a new one in a sec.. I don't mean that in a sexual way...
YOU EVER SEEN 2 TEENS CONNECTED BY A DILDO........FREE ACCESS....A MUST SEE
Nope, and I never want to.
CLICK HERE FOR FREE PORN..........TOTAL ACCESS TO THE LA
This is when porn starts to make less sense.
YOU WONT BELIEVE WHAT THEY ARE DOING DOWN ON MAGGIE'S FARM......BOB DYLAN WOULD BE ASHAMED
Hmm... milking the cows? Whatever they're doing, I hear they don't get broadband Internet. That saddens me.

Sorry if some of those were a bit gross. :P

 
Closing Thoughts

Well, that was... interesting, to say the least. All my other spam is either just 100 copies of the same thing, or just really boring. (I've gotten a whole ton of art gallery ones lately...) Oh yeah, and I'll naturally have a real update in a day or two. Don't get fooled too easily today, folks.

~ Liz, sleep and money deprived. Hm. (letters@rpgfan.com)



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