Just for fun, Bryan Grosnick wrote up a fun counterpoint of a list to this feature — RPG Sequels We DON’T Want To See. We found it too entertaining not to include it here for you all. Enjoy!
Intro by Mike Salbato
RPG Sequels We DON’T Want To See
Writeups by Bryan Grosnick
The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Pats
Sequel to The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past
Wherein, after a grievous injury to Tom Brady, a young Hyrulian elf-like child becomes quarterback for the New England Patriots. Grimace, as Link takes the field in the most realistic football simulation of all time. Shudder as he leaves a pregnant Zelda for a lingerie model.
Batz
Sequel to Castlevania: Symphony of the Night
Wherein, young Simona Belmont and her tweeny friends attempt to revise Dracula’s fashion sense, and hang out at the mall. It’s, like, totally a whip made out of hair extensions!
Final Fantasy X Games
Sequel to Final Fantasy X-2
Wherein we experience the innovative menu-based, turn-based snowboarding system. Press X to complete a rockin’ 720 McTwist. Also, expect 45-minute full-CGI cutscenes as the snowboarders discuss what they ate for breakfast.
Shin Megami Tensei: Persona-L Trainer
Sequel to Persona 4
Wherein, we embrace the darkest side of a light yoga and balance workout. In addition to stretching and strength exercises, confront tough existential issues about your psychological health and body image. Also, if you don’t log on for three days, the balance board comes to life and murders your family.
Shining Forza
Sequel to Shining Force
Wherein you gather a team of assorted race cars with swords and arrows tied to them, and direct them into battle against other cars. Thrill as cars slam into each other, almost just like NASCAR! On the bright side, as non-speaking automobiles, these party members have more personality than previous Shining Force members!
Of course, these are all silly asides — worth sharing nonetheless — so if you landed here first, be sure to check out the two pages of the main feature:
